If I could pick one person to love every day for the rest of my life it would be you.
I hate that it would be you.
You’re the one person I always want in my life, when I’m riding the highs or suffering through the lows. It’s always you I want there by my side.
I can’t remember now the first time I met you, I don’t remember who was around or where we were, the only thing I can remember is that I’ve always been into you. I must have looked at you and that was it because I can’t remember a time where you haven’t been in the back of my mind. No matter who is in my life, it’s always you that I compare everyone to and I hate it.
I’ve always wanted you in my life, but you’ve never truly wanted me to be there in yours.
You made me believe you wanted to be there all those times you walked me home at night, but then I realized it was always to your house, never to mine. You made me believe you wanted to be there all those times you held me in your arms at night, but then I realized it was always before we had sex. You made me believe you wanted to be there, over and over again, but did you really?
Did you actually care about me or did you just know I’d always be there at your beckoning call?
I hate myself for doing this, I hate myself for texting you out of the blue when I’m feeling desperate for you. I hate than you only answer me once or twice before you go silent, so that you don’t completely ignore me and you give me just enough to latch on and hope for more. I hate that I’m always the one to say hi. I hate that I put myself through this for someone who doesn’t care about me at all. I hate that I’d still do anything for you.
But mostly I hate that I don’t hate you at all because I should.
You are everything that I want, but you lack everything I need.
I need someone who wants to be there for me. I need someone who will stand by my side through the good times and especially through the bad. I need someone who wants me in their life all the time, not someone who wants me there when it’s convenient for him.
I need someone who needs me too and I wish that person was you.
But you are none of those things.
I know it’s time I let you go, I know that unanswered text from a couple nights ago should be my sign to walk away for good, but I know if I saw your face I’d be right back to where I was. I’d be running over to you and hoping you’d wrap your arms around my waist. I’d hope you’d pull me close and tell me how you’ve missed me since I last saw your face.
You make me feel something no one else can.
I want you in every way, no matter how much you prove to me you don’t care about me. It’s a disgusting cycle I just can’t break.
I know I deserve more, but you cripple me from allowing myself to move on. So I’ll just add your name to the list of all the men I’ve ever loved who will never love me back, hoping that secretly you will change that.
I know you’re everything I want, but you have nothing that I need and maybe today will be the day I actually decide to walk away from something that never truly began in the first place.