I’m Not Looking For My Other Half Because I’m Already Whole

@polina.chydes
@polina.chydes

Two of my good friends have got engaged in the last few days. One of my old coworkers is getting married in 9 days, a couple of my old teammates from college are getting married in the fall, one of my good friends in college got married last month and I’m still single.

I’m sitting on my couch alone, I’m going to coffee shops with my laptop, I’m planning solo backpacking trips and I’m finally at the time in my life when people are settling down. I’m at the point where people don’t want to go out and get drunk anymore because they’d rather stay in and chill with their partner.

And in the midst of all that I realized there is no place I’d rather be.

Sometimes loneliness will come up and bite me on the ass, I have hard days where I feel alone and completely unlovable, but more than anything I completely love my life. I love being single and I love being happy about it.

My life feels whole, I feel complete and I don’t feel like I’m missing a piece of me.

I feel satisfied on my own and I’m glad I’m not throwing myself into random relationships with people who I don’t genuinely give a shit about because I’m lonely.

I embrace the lonely days, I let them hit me like a tornado. The feelings come through destroying a little piece of me making me feel like I’ll never be okay again, but sure enough the storm passes just as quickly as it hit and I’m okay again.

Being happy on your own is such an empowering feeling; the feeling of being self sufficient and completely independent is amazing. I’m never looking for someone to help me make decisions, I’m not basing my decisions off of anyone else and everything I’m doing in life I’m doing for me.

And there is no better feeling than that, at least not to me.

As much as the loneliness sucks when it comes I’m happier this way. I love knowing I don’t need anyone to make me happy because I can make myself happy. I love knowing that I am completely fine on my own. I love feeling empowered and being proud of the person I am. And I’m not sure I’d be ready to give that all up for a potential heartbreak.

The thing with fall for someone is that you’re more likely going to get your heart broke and I don’t mean to make that sound pessimistic, but realistically they’re either going to break your heart or you’ll get married. There really isn’t much of a middle ground between love and pain.

I don’t want to open up my heart right now, I don’t want to allow someone the power to make me vulnerable and possibly destroy everything I’ve done to get where I am today because loving yourself isn’t that easy all the time. I don’t want anyone to make me feel guilty or bad about myself or the decisions I’ve made because all the decisions I’ve made have got me where I am today and that’s brought me happiness.

I can find my own fun, I can live out my dreams with no restrictions at all, I’ve found my own hobbies and interests, and honestly it’s amazing. It’s amazing to only live for myself, to only do things that make me happy.

I know by shutting my heart off I’m not getting any closer to finding love, but that’s okay because honestly I’m not looking.

I’m happy on my own, I’m happy with myself and that’s a pretty empowering feeling. TC mark

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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