This Is What I Want So Desperately To Say (Even When I’m Being The ‘Cool Girl’)

Everyone likes the ‘cool girl,’ the girl who just hangs around drinking her beer. The girl who avoids the drama and instead hangs out with the guys. The girl who bites her tongue instead of getting mad and starting a fight. The girl who doesn’t ever act too interested but always laughs even if she doesn’t understand the joke. She just kind of chills because that’s what she does. She’s the ‘cool girl’ who doesn’t get bothered by anything and can take a joke and give it right back.

She’s the dream girl.

I’ve tried to be the ‘cool girl.’ I try to lay back and just go with the flow. I try to be cute while smart, but cool and interesting while being interested in the conversation all at the same time. I try to sit tight and have a go with the boys, just being one of the guys.

I try not to act too interested when I’m talking to someone new because if you act too interested it’s a turn off. No one wants someone easy, everyone loves a chase so I try to seem vague. I try to seem like I’m interested, but not THAT interested. I try to create desire and a bit of curiosity when in all actuality I just want to say, “I like your smile and I think you’re funny, date me.”

But you can’t do that.

That’s not cool or desirable. No one wants someone who is that upfront because where is the fun in that?

I wish I could walk right up to you and tell you that I think about you constantly, that I barely know you, but I want to know so much more. I wish I could walk right up to you, grab your face and kiss you on the mouth. I wish I could tell you how I want you to wrap your arms around me and pull me in close. I wish I could tell you I want to jump on a plane and go get lost in some foreign destination with only you by my side.

But you can’t do that.

You become pathetic and desperate. You become a stage five clinger and everyone runs for the hills. We start to feel all these emotions, but we’re meant to hide them.

We’re supposed to tuck our feelings away, deep down and suppress our emotions because no one wants someone who is that honest and open, it scares the shit out of us.

So, we all try to be that person, the ‘cool girl.’ The girl who doesn’t think deeply into things, but just lets them happen. We try to be the girl who doesn’t have too many emotions or feelings because that would make us crazy. When we’re jealous we act like we’re not upset that he’s more interested in another girl than us. We try to act like we don’t want to know everything about him; we try to act like we didn’t get upset when we didn’t get a text back. We try to be cool; we try to be someone were not.

It sucks, and it sucks big. I so desperately want to tell you that you’ve been on my mind, that I can’t stop thinking about you and I want to know you from the inside out. But you can’t, you can’t open up like that until you’re actually dating and comfortable. You have to act like you’re less you and more ‘cool girl’ from the start so he is into you.

We cover up pieces of ourselves and unveil them little by little, until he can finally see there is no such thing as the ‘cool girl’ because we’re all a little bit crazy.

I’m trying to be the cool girl for you, but there is so much more I desperately want to say, but I won’t. Not yet anyway.