I know it might not be everyone, I know it isn’t everyone, but it sure as hell feels like it.
I’m happy for everyone who is finding love – that isn’t sarcasm either. I’m genuinely excited for my friends who have been finding love lately because I know they’re actually happy. They’ve found someone who makes them happy.
But while they’re happy and word vomit is flowing out of their mouths like lava about their new loves, I’m still alone.
I have no one to go on dinner dates with. I have no one to spend lazy Sundays watching movies with. I have no one to just go fuck around with when I’m bored. I have no one to talk to late at night. I have no one to touch or sleep next to. I have no one to kiss good night or good morning.
I have no one to learn.
I have no one to love.
I have no one that makes me feel that pure blissfulness that seemingly everyone around me is feeling and that is enough to make me feel alone.
I can watch movies on my own on Sundays, but that doesn’t mean I want to. I can get in my car and go for a drive, I can call a friend and see if they want to go get lost on some roads we’ve never been down. But I’d rather have someone to get lost with and explore with; someone to feel comforted by, holding his hand as we turn down the curvy roads singing our hearts out side by side. I can swipe left and right all night on my phone, trying to make small talk, but I’d rather have someone by my side, a real someone who cares about the words coming out of my mouth.
I want someone to miss, I want someone’s hand to hold, and I want someone to love with every once in me.
I want to share the love in my heart; I want to be crazy in love and happy. I want the sparks, the fireworks, the comfort, the reliability, the happiness, the fighting, and more than anything a best friend.
I want a best friend to do everything with, someone that makes me feel like I’ve found my perfectly compatible weirdo to share my life with.
I don’t want much, hell I’m not going to ask for anything other than someone who cares about me. I don’t care if we live out of an RV mobile home. I don’t care how much money we have. I don’t care where we live in the world. The only thing I actually care about is how you love me.
It’s extremely hard to watch everyone else around me fall in love, it makes me feel painfully alone. It makes me want to stand on top of a roof top and scream, “when is it my turn?!” It feels like I’m due for a relationship, I feel like I’ve been patiently waiting, not looking for love, doing my own thing, being just fine on my own, but I’m still alone. I’ve still got nothing.
As happy as I am for them, it’s also hard to always be happy for someone else when you just want to be happy yourself.
But I know my time will come and one day someone might look up to my relationship and say, “I wish I had that.”
Until then, I’ll just keep smiling and listening to their stories, I’ll keep telling them I’m happy for them and keep bottling up my loneliness because I know some day I won’t feel so alone, and I can’t wait for that day.