All my life I’ve lived on the adventurous side; normalcy bores me to no end. I get in a bad mood after a few days of routine without any thrill or excitement. I’ve always been out going and a risk taker when it comes to life. But when it comes to my love life, it is the complete opposite.
I’m completely certain I’ve been single this long because of me, because of who I am as a person. I judge people too quickly based on their first impressions to know well in advance that I wouldn’t want a future with them or even that I wouldn’t want to try. I put them in the friendzone where they will live the rest of their lives.
I’m a friend kind of girl; I downloaded a dating app and I’ve made friends on it. When someone tries to flirt with me I’ll instantly call him ‘dude’ or something that makes guys cringe to hear.
I’ll make out with people on the weekend then disregard them during the week because as into them as I might have been when I’m drunk, I have way too much pride to crave them when I’m sober. I won’t try to create something out of it; I try to shut it down as fast as I can. It’s just not me and it’s not who I’ve been for a long time.
I’ve never wanted to be the needy girl or the emotional girl who needs attention from men.
I’m the strong girl, the one who doesn’t give a fuck about love.
I’m the one who tells her friends she doesn’t need to talk to a douchebag just because she’s lonely. I tell my friends they deserve better, I tell them the things they don’t want to hear or accept because they hate feeling alone. I like to stand my ground and be tough. I like my sense of pride and I like even more feeling like I don’t need anyone and can take perfect care of myself.
But what I’m coming to realize is that I’m single because I’m scared to take risks. I cover everything up with a false sense of security that I give myself.
I’m scared to let someone know me on a romantic level. I’m scared to let someone into my life in fear that they will leave. I’m nervous and terrified that I won’t be good enough for someone after spending time with them.
I’ll rarely, if ever, approach a guy at the bar and attempt to flirt with him. I won’t go up and start grinding on someone on the dance floor. I won’t twirl my hair and play dumb. I won’t wear shirts that my boobs are nearly hanging out of because that isn’t me and I don’t think I need the attention.
When in reality, I think it’s time for me to accept that I don’t throw myself out there because I’m scared of rejection.
I lack the self-confidence that they will never pick me; I always assume they will pick her.
Who ever her is, she must be better than I am. That’s just how my brain works.
I know it’s not right, I know I have guys that try to talk to me, but instead of giving them the chance I shut them down. I stick them in the friendzone because at least I know they’re safe there. At least I know they have less of a chance to hurt me while they’re there.
I fall easily for people, but only for people who I don’t have a chance with. They’re just little crushes I keep in my mind. It’s nothing real and that way it doesn’t have the potential to hurt me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be the girl who isn’t scared to take risks. I think part of me will always be the girl who is too scared of rejection so I’ll just hang in the back. I’ll accept that I’ll always be the girl with lots of guy friends because I’m more scared to take the risk and wind up losing them than just having them in my life as friends.
I’ve come to realize I am my own problem, but I also know I can be my own solution. One day the risk taking will come, one day when I’m ready. Until then, welcome to the friendzone boys.