Maybe in another life our paths wouldn’t have just crossed, but intertwined. Maybe I would have been able to love you the way you loved me.
Maybe there is a life where I want what you want.
Maybe there is a life I want to graduate college with you and move back to your hometown. Maybe I’d want to start a family with you and buy a house. Maybe I’d love to decorate a baby’s room with you, with wallpaper and cute little décor everywhere. Maybe you’d be the one to make me want to settle down and set a foundation for my life.
But it’s not in this life.
In this life I don’t want to settle down, I don’t want to stay in one place, I don’t want a relationship yet and I surely don’t want a family.
Maybe in another life you would be everything I hope for, everything I dream about at night when I’m lonely. Maybe you’d be the one I’d love to come home to after having the worst day imaginable. Maybe you’d be the one I’d crawl into bed with and never let go of. Maybe you’d be the one whose shoulder I’d be burying my face into when a scary movie is on.
Maybe in another life you’d be the one I’d be planning family vacations with, instead of just planning solo trips for me. Maybe in another life I would want that, to go with a family, my own family. Maybe I’d love to pack my kids a suitcase and help situate them in their car seats. Maybe I’d enjoy seeing their faces as we board an airplane and maybe I’d love taking pictures with them at Disney.
But I’ve never been a kid person and those plans don’t fit into my five or ten year plan. As much as you care about me and as many nice things you do for me, I just can’t love you back.
Maybe in another life I wouldn’t be so unsure of everything. Maybe I wouldn’t spend so much time overthinking and wondering what my life could be like if I traveled here or moved there. Maybe if I knew what I wanted I could settle down; but I don’t, not in this life anyway.
This lifetime wasn’t meant for us to be together. Our stars didn’t properly align and I know it might break your heart, but you wouldn’t want to be with someone like me anyway. Someone so reckless and indecisive. Someone who constantly pushes others away. Someone who blacks out reality and doesn’t allow herself to miss others because it’s easier that way.
You don’t want someone like me, you deserve someone who will love you forever and grow old with you.
And maybe there is a life where we grow old together, sitting on the front porch swinging back and forth. Maybe there is a life where we have spent a lifetime together, raising a family, pouring each other morning coffee and kissing each other goodnight.
If there is one thing I’m certain of in this life it’s that I will always break your heart. I will never be able to intertwine my heart with yours. As much as I wish I could sometimes, I know it’s better off this way.
You will find someone who loves you the way you love her. Maybe when that happens I will feel regret, because my heart breaks every time I know we won’t end up together. But that is something I will have to live with.
Maybe in another life needing you would be the only thing that’s on my mind, but in this life I just can’t love you back.