I was falling for the way you would show up and surprise me at my house. I was falling for the way you’d do sweet things without realizing how much they meant to me. I was falling for the way you kept your phone alarm set for me to wake up for work, even on mornings I wasn’t there because you knew I’d need it another day. I was falling for the way you looked at me when we laid next to each other. I was falling for every piece of you from your goofy laugh to your rough hands.
I started falling the moment you sat down next to me at the bar and asked for my number after we talked for a while. Then a few short months after I stopped letting myself fall for you. I knew that had to be the end of it, and I presume you did too by the way things fell apart so gently and completely. It seemed we walked away from each other like it was nothing at all. The months I spent sleeping by your side and all the moments we shared together all just faded away ever so smoothly.
I can’t recall what must have triggered that feeling; maybe it was because the last night we spent together you didn’t hold me in your arms. Or maybe it was even because you didn’t wrap your arms around me in the morning like you usually would. Whatever it was it was enough to make us realize it was over without saying a word. You drove me home and kissed me goodbye as I climbed out of your truck and watched you drive away, for the last time.
Just like that, without a word, we knew it was over.
Maybe it was because after all the time we spent together, I didn’t feel the connection I read about having. I didn’t feel sparks fly, even though I felt nerves when I saw you or turned down the dirt road leading to your driveway. I felt the warm happy feeling inside when you would say things that let me know you cared about me, but it still wasn’t enough. I wasn’t able to let you all the way in, maybe not even half way in.
I think it hit me then. I liked you and I wanted to like you with all my heart because it was easy and it was fun. But I couldn’t. I don’t think I’m ready to make the sacrifice to be in a relationship just yet and maybe he wasn’t either because whatever happened that night, or maybe that morning, we both felt the end was here and we both seemed okay with it. It hurt a little, I felt a little sting of pain when I walked through my front door that morning, but I was comforted by the fact that I could just be alone, and not worry about someone else.
Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do, but it also goes by quick. I do believe you should love the wrong person and experience heartbreak because it makes you stronger and smarter the next time around. But don’t waste too much time loving someone who doesn’t make you feel whole, don’t spend time with someone who makes you wish you’d rather be single.
I was falling for the way you kissed me. I was falling for the way you made me laugh. I was falling for the way you found joy in the simplest things. I was falling for all the times you went of your way to come see me. I was falling for the comfort I felt in turning to you about certain parts of my life.
But it still wasn’t enough.