Why is that when a tragic thing such as death happens, everyone uses the same phrases in hopes that it will make everything better? “He’s in a better place,” “Only the good die young,” “God takes his favorite picks first,” “Now you have a guardian angel,” etc. These are things that we’re so used to hearing that we don’t even realize that these phrases of comfort were intended for just that, COMFORT. They help ease the unsettling feeling of losing someone who played a major role in your life, such as a father.
Most days I deal with your death admirably. Most days I choke back the tears. Most days I pretend that the heartache I’ve been feeling for so long is normal. Most days, I’m not the girl whose Dad died. But for whatever reason, today is not most days.
Today I’m angry. Today I’m finding it hard to hold back the tears and even harder to exist in a world where my father doesn’t. I’m reminded that you won’t be here the day I get married and you should. I’m reminded that you won’t be here the day that your first grandchild comes into this world and you should. I’m reminded that every time the Cubs fly the W, you’re not here and you should be.
You should be here.
You should be here for all of the major milestones that are happening in my life, but instead, I’m only left with memories. I miss you so much sometimes, it hurts. I get mad. I hate missing you because I shouldn’t have to. You should be here. I shouldn’t be left with feeling as though I’m missing a part of me every single day. You’re my dad and I miss you.
Most days I believe that this was a mistake. It’s easier for me to believe it was a mistake than it is for me to deal with the reality of actually losing you. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things to grasp. Getting that call and realizing that was the moment where everything changed. That was the call that changed my entire outlook on life in its entirety.
I’m now forced to live in this world where you don’t. I’m forced to deal with the pain of losing you on a daily basis. You’ve been gone for a year, but the ache feels as though you left yesterday. You deserved more and you should be here.
“It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it. And you know that if I had just one wish it’d. Be that you didn’t have to miss this. You should be here.”
I love you, Dad.