1. Dating Drains You of Mental and Emotional Energy.
You know the saying if you want something bad enough, you should work hard to get it? Well, the second half of that saying is, if you want something bad enough, you should work hard to get it, but you should also check the feedback that you’re getting.
If you’re spending 90% of your dating energy on a guy who is not putting in an equal amount of energy back, you’re wasting your time.
Notice what results you’re getting, if you’re investing and investing in this guy and getting little back, it’s time to cut this one loose and move on.
2. There Are Plenty of Men Out There Who Won’t Waste Your Time.
I understand when you’re in a certain mind set, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking “there are no decent men out there”, “all the good ones are taken”, “I arrived at the party too late. I have to settle.”
But this is just not true.
Here’s why it’s not. Have you ever being shopping for a new car? You do the research for the car you want, say it’s a Mazda 3. You go to car dealership, you test drive it, you watch Youtube videos about it, you ask your friends’, colleagues’, family’s opinion about this car, and because your mind is focused on a particular car, you also find yourself noticing Mazda 3s everywhere you go.
The mind is really powerful and it has the ability to filter out 99% of information you receive and focus on the 1% you actually care about.
So if your mindset is “there are no good men out there,” that’s the 1% of men you’re focused on.
But imagine your mindset was “good men are everywhere.” Guess what, you will almost immediately start to notice good men everywhere.
Keeping this in mind, the next time you meet a less than stellar guy, be quick to say “this douche is just wasting my time… NEXT.”
Get good at filtering the time-wasters and focus purely on men who are worth your time and investment.
3. Bad Experiences Trains You to Expect More Bad Experiences.
Your brain has evolved to be quick at making snap judgment about people based on past experiences.
If you’ve somehow gotten unlucky and came across a few non-committal, emotionally unavailable men (even confident, emotionally secure women do), you may quickly concluded that from now on, you should avoid ALL men in a certain category.
The last guy you dated was divorced and had commitment issues. He would only call and set up plans once a week. He wouldn’t invite you to meet his parents. He wouldn’t invite you to meet his kids. He’d grow cold and distant for a day without warning.
From this bit of information, you may falsely conclude that from now on, you’re going to avoid all divorced men for good.
Is that really wise? Is all divorced men non-committal and have commitment issues?
I think logic would tell you, of course not!
But it’s funny how quickly our brain will make gross generalizations like this. I know you want a shortcut and this is your way to avoid pain in the future. But let’s get real. Cutting out 20-40% of the available dating pool is probably not smart.
It’s important to recognize and ditch the wrong men, but equally important that you pick and invest in the right men. Making smarter decisions in the initial dating stage will help you get smarter in this regard.
4. If You Don’t Cut The Wrong Guys Off Early, You’ll Get Addicted, Making It 10x Harder to Walk Away.
Here’s a funny thing about human nature. The more you invest in one guy, the more valuable he becomes, the more attached you become to him, the harder it is to walk away.
It is scientifically proven that when you achieve orgasm with a guy, you’re triggering a chemical in your brain the same way a drug like cocaine would. Not only that, but when you are kissing, cuddling, having sex with a guy, another chemical responsible for bonding and attachment is also triggered in your brain.
So even if you tell yourself, “it’s no big deal, I know this isn’t going anywhere, he’s just a fuck buddy.” Your body isn’t going to agree with you.
One day you’re going to wake up and realize, “Oh, crap, I think I’m in love with this guy.” And now even if you know he treats you like crap, you’ll find it incredibly hard to break away.
On that note, just because you’re in love with a guy, doesn’t mean you’re meant to be with him.
In the early stages of dating, in love really means infatuation. That’s chemicals in your brain going crazy because it wants you to focus on just one guy and have his offspring.
That’s how some women get trapped in a lose/lose situation. You don’t want to be strung along by a guy for years, and have it go absolutely nowhere.
Recognize the signs early, and as hard as it is, you need to cut all contact and start the “healing and grieving” process asap.
5. Dating The Wrong Guy KILLS Your Self-Esteem.
It’s common knowledge that if you want to attract a guy, you must be or at least act:
• Not needy
• Not clingy
• Be the best, most amazing version of you
But when you attach yourself to the wrong guy, due to constant rejection, not being validated, and not getting your needs met, you start to lose self-worth.
You’ll no longer feel desired and wanted…
You’ll no longer feel beautiful…
You’ll no longer feel special…
You’ll no longer feel like a person worthy of love…
Because this guy doesn’t make you feel these things on a “consistent” basis.
As much as we want to believe we are strong individuals and don’t need a man to validate us… in reality, we do!
Most women derive their sense of self-worth and confidence based on how men treat them. Or more importantly, how the important men in their lives treat them.
If you can’t walk away from a guy who doesn’t make you feel loved, you’re basically training yourself to believe you’re not worthy of love. And that’s going to be baggage you will bring to your next relationship.
Don’t do that to yourself. Cut him loose and regain your sense of self-worth.
6. It Will Affect Other Areas Of Your Life (Friends, Family, Work)
I’ve seen this time and time again. You get involved with a bad guy. Your friends know this and tell you so (if they’re a good friend they should anyway). You ignore them or defend the guy, or agree with them, but continue to ignore their advice. Eventually your friends start to distance themselves from you because it’s clear you don’t value their opinion or you blow them off for this guy.
Once you push your friends away, you will feel miserable. Because you feel miserable, it starts to affect your productivity level at work. And then it will seep into your relationship with family. And then before you know it, your whole life is falling apart over one guy!
How happy you are in your relationship will influence how you feel and how you perform in other areas of your life too. Relationships operate from the inside out. The more stable, happy and secure you are, the more stable, happy and secure you will feel in other areas of your life.
7. He Doesn’t Want To Be With You, Why Do You Want Him?
This may be a hard pill to swallow, but the only thing you should care about when evaluating whether a guy is worth your time is by the effort he makes.
Put a stop to overanalyzing and keep it simple stupid.
If he doesn’t ask you out, he doesn’t want to ask you out.
If he doesn’t ask you to be his girlfriend, he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend.
If he doesn’t want to commit to you, he will not commit to you.
If he doesn’t want to marry you, he won’t ask you to marry him.
Now, just because he doesn’t do any of the above right now, doesn’t mean he never will.
It should happen within a reasonable amount of time. If it doesn’t, you need to cut him loose.
If you’re not sure what a reasonable amount of time is, ask your girlfriends for a second, third or fourth opinion. They should all agree to what is a rough appropriate amount of time for things to progress in a natural pace.
Also, use your common sense. If it’s being a year and he still hasn’t introduced you to his parents, he won’t even call you his girlfriend, obviously, he never will.
For most guys, they know pretty early if they want to commit to you (1-3 months), if he’s still wishy washy after 3 months, I’d be moving on.
8. Rationalizing A Bad Situation Into An “OK” One.
When you’re not in an ideal situation, it may be easier to rationalize to yourself it’s “not that bad”, than to actually do something about it. “Maybe I don’t deserve a good man”, “Who would want to be in a relationship with me”, “Maybe if he committed to me, I’d not appreciate it and lose interest in him anyway”, “I don’t have time for a full blown relationship”, “I don’t want a boyfriend.”
These are tools you use to make the situation tolerable. They are also a way to keep emotional distance so you won’t get hurt.
But trust me, these are not very effective tools, and ultimately when the real rejection comes, it will sting just as bad as a break up from a proper relationship. Actually, I’d say worse. At least in the case of a relationship, you would have had moments of proper intimacy and closeness.
Rejection is rejection, and if you can’t walk away, then you’re invested whether you admit it or not.
9. Defeat Negative Self-Talk.
When a man doesn’t value you but you still choose to stay, you’re really telling yourself, “you don’t deserve someone better.”
You may think the blame is on him. But he isn’t the one hurting you. You’re hurting yourself.
You hurt yourself by staying. You abuse yourself by saying, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not pretty enough”, “I’m not interesting enough”, “I don’t deserve better”, “I can’t find someone better”, “I’m incapable of having a loving relationship”, “I’m not lovable”, “I’m not desirable.”
Sometimes, this kind of self-realization is really tough to admit. But once you see this is what you’re doing, it may be painful to cut him off, but you’re really treating yourself with respect and love.
So be kind to yourself. Say affirming, positive, uplifting things about yourself.
10. Mr. Right Could Be Right Around The Corner
I like to be positive most of the time so when something doesn’t pan out the way I’d like, I try to tell myself, I didn’t fail, I was just off my target by 1%.
So you may have found the most “perfect” guy for you. He fits what you want in nearly every category. He’s intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically everything you want in a man. He excites you in every way… EXCEPT in one or two areas.
Even though a guy is perfect, if he can’t commit, he is still the WRONG guy. But before you think it’s a fail, think again.
Pat yourself on the back that you:
• Got off your ass and went looking for a guy in the first place
• Opened your heart by giving this guy a chance
• You’re building courage and strength when you can accept it didn’t work, but you’re not going to give up.
If you knew Mr. Right was just right around the corner, how does it feel to waste one more day, week or month on Mr. Wrong?
Wouldn’t you like to find love and happiness sooner rather than later?
I should hope so.
So what have we learned today?
You need to drop the non-committal, emotionally unavailable guy yesterday!