Thought Catalog

I Flirt With You Knowing This Will Probably Be A Trainwreck

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I have liked you from a distance for a while and I don’t know how to categorize it.

Normally, I have two distinct modes.

  1. Complete and total disinterest.

And I know, it’s not healthy to be so extreme. Clearly, neither has been a recipe to happiness. I fall into the first camp most of the time. I try to will myself to care, but it doesn’t work. I’ve never been able to fake it. I can’t force something.

And the second? It’s been disastrous. It’s me, irrational and passionate. It’s been Heartbreak City, population me.

But with you, it’s different.

I am fascinated by you. I mentioned your name three times on a weekend with my girlfriends and want to pretend it meant nothing. I want to act like it was just a casual reference. But I know myself too well. I know I only focus when there’s a reason to.

There’s a lot I don’t know about you. There’s plenty I’d probably rather not know.

You aren’t my first thought in the morning. I’m not chomping at the bit. I don’t hear wedding bells in the distance. Hell, I don’t even hear “We made it to 6 months!” bells, or whatever the equivalent is.

Still, I think about you. And I’m excited when I see a text come in from you. I like imagining us naked teasing one another. I like imagining you, a little drunk, giving me a hard time about something.

We are not a romance novel any Taylor Swift fan wants to read. We’re not roses and sweet talk, nothing sugary about what we say to each other.

And that’s exactly how I like it.

It’s why I’m so into the idea of you and me. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨


In her third poetry collection, Ari Eastman takes us through a very personal journey of growing up, loss, love, and surviving it all.

there are too many rooms here, 
too many places
for my grief to sit

★★★★★ “Absolutely gorgeous writing. one of my new favorite collections of poetry. covers topics from grief to feminism to mental health and on. would definitely recommend to anyone even somewhat interested in poetry.” —Jessica

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