Everything I Know About Game Of Thrones (Without Ever Reading The Books Or Watching The Show)

Game Of Thrones

I’ve never watched Game Of Thrones!

Ha, okay, I lied. I did watch one episode with my best friend, Johanna. But it was only because we were on vacation together and it was premiering or she’d missed an episode?? I don’t remember. She said, “Can we?” I said, “Sure!” And from the second she pressed play I was instantly lost. Just swords and people and me yelling, “WAIT, THOSE TWO ARE BROTHER AND SISTER? WTF!”

So you could say my GOT knowledge is very, very limited. However, I don’t live in a cave. I have an active Twitter account. I pick up bits and pieces.

Here’s everything I know about Game Of Thrones while knowing basically nothing!

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Khaleesi is very, very hot. She is the Mother of Dragons, which I assume means she has some sort of connection to dragons. Is it like How To Train Your Dragon? Is she a sexy version of Hiccup? That’s what I’m guessing. A real dragon whisperer. Also, people like to dress up as her for Halloween. I think we see her boobs during the show too.

I know there is a lot of sex in the show. Plenty of naked bods. A pornographic renaissance fair, if you will. MORE LIKE GAME OF BONES, RIGHT?? HAHAHHA. I’m sorry. Please don’t stop reading.

Jon Snow looks like a Tinder date I once had. He dies. Jon, not my Tinder date. But then he comes back? Again Jon, not my Tinder date.

Idk, whatever, everyone wants to fuck Jon Snow, right?

I’d love to braid his hair.

Oh! Ed Sheeran is in it! I assume he sings “Shape Of You”.

There is something called the Red Wedding. Is it a title? An event? I picture it like an episode of Say Yes To The Dress. The free-spirited bride wants a red dress. Her conservative mother is horrified. A fight ensues. Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. Eventually she does say yes to the dress. The red dress. Everyone kisses and makes up. That’s what happens, right?

Winter is coming! People were obsessed with saying this and I don’t. know. what. they’re. talking. about. I like to think this is a big, beefy dude named Winter and he’s been celibate for a really long time but has changed his mind. I said there’s a lot of sex in this show. Well, baby, I’ll tell ya what, Winter is definitely coming 😉😉😉

THERE ARE TWINS WHO FUCK? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY? Why?

Whyyyyyyyyy?!?!??!

There are houses and families mad at other families? Sounds all a bit Shakespeare. What is a Lannister?

Hodor is something you say that makes people very emotional. I assume someone dies. Is it Hodor? Is that his name? Is it a sound? Is it a word? I’m not sure.

Anyway, from what I gather Game Of Thrones is a lot of sex and fighting. Which is totally cool. Throw in some dragons and you got yourself a PARTAY.

Sorry.

I’ll watch it one of these days. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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