Darlings, Stay Single Until You Meet Someone Exactly Like This

Stay single until you meet someone you lights your soul on fire. A true pyromaniac. Someone who always has matches in their pocket. Someone who knows how to make sparks fly.

Stay single until you meet someone who makes you feel comfortable. Someone you can always count on. You know, a human version of your body pillow.

Stay single until you meet someone perfect. Someone who never screws up or makes mistakes or has any discernible flaws whatsoever. Someone who can exist without oxygen and doesn’t need to eat food to survive. Someone you can leave in your car for a few days and not worry about.

Stay single until you meet someone who always tells the truth. Someone who would never lie to you. Someone who, when asked if you look fat in your dress, says, “From this angle, a little.” A real Honest Abe.

Stay single until you meet someone who does the dishes without being asked. Literally date a dishwashing machine. One that’s ENERGY STAR certified.

Stay single until you meet someone you feel like you’ve known your whole life, like maybe a distant cousin.

Stay single until you meet someone your cat approves of. Someone your cat gives a thumbs up to. Until your cat evolves and grows opposable thumbs to give you said thumbs up.

Stay single until you meet someone you’ve been dreaming of your whole life. Like Adam Brody or Ashton, that guy with pale blue eyes who was in your chemistry class but had a girlfriend the entire time.

Stay single until you meet someone who is just Netflix but with genitals and a pair of arms to hold you on those long, cold winter nights. (Yes, you idiot, of course I’m still watching!)

Stay single until you meet someone who singlehandedly stops the current Republican administration from continuously punishing you for literally just being a woman.

Stay single until you meet someone who makes you laugh so hard, you cry. So hard, you pee yourself. So hard, you have to constantly buy new underwear because you are ruining all the pairs you have.

Stay single until you meet someone who supports your dreams. Someone who owns a sleep laboratory and hooks you up nightly to brain imaging tools.

Stay single until you meet The One. First name The, last name One.

Because, my sweet, precious, angel-pie darling, anything else is just a waste of your time.