Ranking The Men On This Season Of ‘The Bachelorette’ By How Depressing They Seem

It’s that time again. Brackets are being formed. Wine is being ordered in bulk. Papa Bear Chris Harrison is off somewhere moisturizing.

The journey begins for our Bachelorette, the gorgeous, warm, intelligent Rachel, this Monday and honestly? I’m iffy as to whether or not Bachelor Nation can really provide the high caliber man someone like Rachel deserves.

Our cast of hopefuls were announced in this awkward (but kind of hilarious?) live Facebook video featuring Chris Harrison. Let’s break them down, shall we?



The Bachelorette

While I’ll admit I’m partial to his face scruff, he listed the most outrageous thing he’s ever done as “ate a live salamander” with zero explanation. My dude. What?

He also can’t name any musicians besides Coldplay and The Beatles. You are a 28-year-old grown man and only know two bands? Go eat another salamander, Alex. We don’t want you here.

Blake E.

The Bachelorette

A little weirded out that an Ed Sheeran doppelgänger is going to be vying for our dear Rachel’s heart. Blake admits to loving Fifty Shades of Grey because he’s into sexy, taboo stuff. HOT TIP: If groups of middle aged women go see a movie together after playing bunko, it’s probably not taboo. At least we now know Blake thinks putting on a blindfold one time counts as hardcore BDSM.

Also, living for the shade Chris Harrison threw his way re: his career as an aspiring drummer. “I’m an aspiring rock singer. I think at some point at 31 you’re just gonna have to call it a hobby. You’re not aspiring anymore. It didn’t happen.” ICE COLD, HARRISON. ICE COLD.


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Milton openly admits to going on this show because he’s hoping to get discovered and I kind of respect that?? But then loses all points when he says being romantic can show you’re weak. Oh honey, masculinity SO fragile. But good luck competing on a show designed around winning a girl’s heart!!


The Bachelorette

DeMario claims he is “100% the party starter… always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!!” I feel like I hate him already?? Seems like the dude who would continuously approach you at the bar asking to buy you ‘just one drink’ even after you made it really clear you weren’t interested.


The Bachelorette

I’m sorry, but I just have to say it. Bryce looks like he snuck out of the North Pole and has been trying to make it as a club promoter ever since. He also has a super transphobic answer to the “what’s your biggest date fear?” question. Santa, come get your boy.


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Jonathan is a tickle monster. If this is what’s out there, I’ll happily choose dying alone.


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Grant is a 29-year-old ER doctor who seemed halfway decent until he listed his favorite magazine as “Playboy ;)”. I think he thought it would come across as cute or something, but it might be the saddest use of a winky face I’ve ever seen.


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Eric likes Tony Robbins, green juice, and can’t tolerate negative people. Eric sounds like a human prozac (but probably doesn’t believe in actual prozac, just affirmations, gag).


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Jamey spells his name with a Y and says he has no female friends. Next.


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This man’s profession is listed as Whaboom???? I have Googled it and still do not understand what it means. If anyone can provide some clarity, I’d appreciate it.


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Iggy lists his best qualities as passionate, loyal, and witty. Then lists those as his worst qualities too. ??? Ok. GOOD ONE, IGGY.


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Matt says the most romantic gift he’s ever given is lingerie. Incredible.

Blake K.

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Blake is pretty cute but says his ideal mate is “long” which is the weirdest adjective to describe a human.


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Says his most embarrassing moment is telling his mom he’s going to be on The Bachelor. Yikes, we’ve got a real dud on our hands. My guess is he goes home early and we don’t even notice.


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Jedidiah really, really, really loves wolves.

The two things that make ol’ Wolfy really mad? Wasting time and kids getting hurt. Please notice that ‘wasting time’ was listed first.

Can someone tell me how anyone moans the name Jedidiah?


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Brady is apparently a male model. If you say so, Brady!


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Lee seems fine. Probably a little too basic for Rachel. There’s 0.00% chance she’s marrying a ‘singer-songwriter’, sorry.


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A wrestler who is going to turn out to be the most sensitive one of them all. I think he’s going to cry too much and Rachel’s going to be like, “yeaaaahhh, I’m good…”


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Alright, Diggy is fine as hell.

In response to “tell us a fun story about a one night stand”, Diggy said, “I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!” HE PRETENDED TO BE ASLEEP? I can’t stop laughing.

…I hope her brother is okay though.

Jack Stone

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The only one who has his last name listed. Seems suspicious. Claims he’s a lawyer. Could be. Could also have killed someone and adopted a new alias.


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Bryan is bilingual and his favorite flower is an orchid (same as my mom!!). I could see him as being charming in a goofy kind of way. However, when it says list three best attributes, homeboy lists seven which begs the question, can Bryan read?


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Wow, Fred could go either way. He’s either the sweetest, most genuine dude you’ve ever met or he’s a closet psychopath. I’m personally leaning on the sweet side. To the “If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?” he said ELLEN DEGENERES! And that might be my favorite answer of all time. Aaaand 20 years ago, Fred had Rachel as his camp counselor AND HAD A CRUSH ON HER. Could he end up being a creep? Maybe! But my sappy ass heart is rooting for him.


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Will doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice, which breaks my heart a little because I’m not sure he understands how this show works.


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I like him. Don’t really know why, but I do. Don’t let me down, Peter.


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Might be on the young side for Rachel, but I see potential. The fact that he’s a former professional basketball player does give me cause for concern because athletes are usually the worst. Still, I’m gonna keep my eye on Michael.


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Frankly, I don’t think he and Rachel are going to be a good fit for each other but he lost a parent at 16 like I did, soooo I have a soft spot for him. And his response to “what does being married mean to you?” is the best thing I’ve ever seen on The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

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Josiah seem so sweet. Potentially boring, but mostly sweet. He’s an attorney, so maybe there’s a shared interest there. I don’t know if lawyers like other lawyers. The closest understanding I have to that is watching Ally McBeal reruns.


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Rob looks like Kyle Chandler. I love Kyle Chandler.


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Anthony lists The Iron Giant (!!!!) as one of his favorite films. Also Moonlight. Based on this alone, his taste is impeccable. I’m sold. I am SOLD.


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Aww, Mohit! Sadly, I don’t think he’s going to last long because Chris Harrison looked like he didn’t even remember who he was during the live video. But in the questionnaire when asked “gluten?” (um, what is the question???) he responded, “I’m going to dress up as that for Halloween.” Yes, Mohit. He seems funny, intelligent, and mentioned Seinfeld. I’m in.


The Bachelorette

Alright, I’m biased here. Kyle talks about Donald Glover and that’s an automatic entry into my heart. Don’t know how far he will actually go, but based on his questionnaire, he seems like a really chill dude. And he says he has a “general disdain for perceived corrupt authority” which in 2017 is the hottest sentence someone can utter, tbh. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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