16 Suuuper Extra Things I Did To Impress Guys I Liked

Author’s note: these are not all about the same guy. I’m not THAT pathetic (…shhh, shhh, I am but that’s neither here nor there).

1. Entered into an Ebay auction to win an autographed CD from Gary Allan. If you don’t know who that is, congratulations. Thanks to a humongous crush on a guy (who never returned my feelings, btw) who was obsessed with a subpar, outdated country singer, I DO KNOW WHO THAT IS.

2. Won the Ebay auction.

3. Pretended I liked Doctor Who despite being utterly bored during every episode. (Sorry, Who fans!)

4. Performed drunk spoken word poetry on a party bus to a friend’s birthday and purposefully chose a poem that contained sexual innuendos all so the image of me being dirty could be implanted in the mind of the only person on that bus I wanted to notice me.

5. Got bangs. Because I noticed all his ex girlfriends and celebrity crushes had bangs. Seriously.

6. Adopted a rapper alter-ego. Her name was Missy California. I am so sorry, world.

7. Reserved a Zip Car for an hour because a guy I was massively in love like with mentioned he needed to go grocery shopping and instead of walking the 15 minutes from our college apartments to the store, I could be his knight on a white horse, er, Prius.

8. Started listening to Lord Huron.

9. Ordered vinyl records of his favorite bands so if he ever came to my apartment, he’d see them and instantly think I was Very Cool.

10. Memorized the current stats of The Carolina Panthers.

11. Tried to will myself to care about football. Failed.

12. Noticed a guy I liked always used a clip board to take notes in class. Ordered a personalized clip board with his name and the logo of his favorite team. Gave it to him on his birthday. Had it custom made 4 months prior.

13. Drank Fireball.

14. Paid full price for a hotel near Disneyland, but pretended I got a great deal from a friend who worked in the park??? Convinced a group of college friends to go (and that they didn’t have to pay me back because, remember, deal!) and successfully hooked up with the one I was hoping to.

15. Used a large portion of my college dining hall swipes to bring him a sandwich in class every. single. day.

16. Read The Alchemist. And honestly? I thought it was just okay. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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