Always Been Boy Crazy

i made a list of the boys i kissed this year
as well as the ones i missed
the cross-over wasn’t enough for my liking,
only two i thought of frequently – the one in Los Angeles
and the other one,
also LA,
freckles everywhere

you know,
this is the shit everyone (my mother)
says i should go back to therapy for,
which is to say
i do not count my accomplishments
or friendships
or hearts i have held in between my index fingers

just boys
it’s always boys and i wonder
if this has been my way
forever

in kindergarten, i had a boyfriend
named john
my dear, sweet john,
he kissed my cheek one day in front of everyone
and i blushed and felt victorious
because i had asked his friend
to tell him to

in 4th grade, i arranged a wedding for my two rabbits
as an excuse to invite my crush, robbie,
to my house

my mother even made a cake.

in 8th grade, i was obsessed with davis.
i filled my diary with his every detail:
eye color, lingering of a lisp,
his favorite show, The O.C.
just like me

my life is a series of revolving doors – i mean, men
and how badly i want something to stick

how badly i want a Person to be the fix
and i know, people are not fixes
just temporary solutions

and then came 2016
when i become apparitional instead of
lovesick

2016, i am not boy-crazy
i am boy,
crazy,
trying to find my libido at the bottom of the ocean
or wherever that shit went
hiding

i used to wish for a detachable heart,
to be unfeeling,
fucking and moving on

and here i am,
fucking and moving on.

and here i am,
wondering where everything went wrong