I’m So Much Happier Without You

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There was a time in my life when I thought you’d be a part of me forever. And trust me, I know how naive and adolescent that sounds. But we seemed to fit so perfectly, I figured it was our truth. It would be our reality.

I looked forward to even the most mundane activities with you. We’d laugh our asses off in the grocery store, dance through the aisles like idiots without a care in the world. I was convinced things were infinitely better with you. Without you, I’d be lost.

I was so sure of it. Without you, I wouldn’t survive.

And now here I am, without you, surviving.

But that’s not the most surprising part of it.

I’ve been through far worse. I couldn’t explain it, but somewhere in the pit of my stomach I knew I’d be okay if we went our separate ways. What I didn’t count on was how much lighter everything would feel. I didn’t expect food to have more taste, the sun to shine brighter and more brilliantly than I’d ever noticed before.

It never crossed my mind how much happier I’d be once you were gone.

That’s the thing with toxic people, we can’t see how much damage they were doing until we’ve put the needed distance between. For all the times you made me laugh, I conveniently blocked out the tears and emotional punches. I painted us in a way we weren’t always. I would tell people how supportive you were, but failed to ever mention how vindictive you were. I don’t know if it’s because it’s what I wanted to believe or because I refused to admit how much you were draining me.

I let myself believe you were a light that was helping me grow. But now, I know the truth.

You were dimming me. You were holding me back, dragging me down to your depths and assuring me if I really loved you, I’d stay there with you.

But I didn’t.

Maybe I finally decided I deserved a chance at happiness. Maybe I got tired of wanting to explore this world and seeing your sullen face staring back at me.

I broke free from the black hole you were trying to suck me into. And after so long, I now remember how it feels to shine. I remember how good it feels to be without you. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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