From day one, you were all in. You couldn’t convince yourself to play it cool, to act apathetic. The first time you saw him, it was all over. You were instantly his.
But he was not yours. Not in the same way.
His love only comes in calculated doses, just enough that you’re hopeful for more. But never enough to feel secure in his arms. Not enough to call this love a mutual thing.
When he tells you he wants you only to soften the blow of what will come next, do not allow your heart to believe she is safe. Send her on a rocket ship to the moon, or sun, or anywhere far enough that his words won’t reach. Let lack of gravity do its job.
Do not orbit around him like he is the center of all you’ll ever have. He is just a shooting star, a lonely wish, something that seems beautiful from a distance but is dead by the time it lands at your door.
Why do you keep insisting on loving these robotic things? Why do you let them sleep in your bed? Your feet are already always cold, so do yourself a favor and get a thermal blanket. Put on your favorite onesie. Find warmth without an extra body. It’s better this way.
It will be better if you let him go.
And I know it doesn’t seem like that could be the case. You wouldn’t admit this out loud to your friends, but you’d rather have a piece of him than nothing at all. Maybe you’ll be okay settling for a fraction of his affection. He can have all of you. You just want a bite.
But that’s not how love is supposed to work. Love isn’t supposed to feel like a bargaining tool. You shouldn’t be waiting with bated breath for the day he will come to his senses and realize you are everything he wants.
You can’t make someone choose you. Even if you choose them a thousand times in a thousand different ways.
When he tells you he’s not ready, listen to what he’s saying. Don’t look for the exception. Don’t try to find a loophole.
There will be a night when you are awake at 2 am wondering what’s wrong with you. There will be a night when being so in love with someone who is not invested feels like a war that you are losing more and more every second.
And that’s because you are. You will keep losing until you let him go.
If he wanted you, he’d be all in. You wouldn’t need to convince him. You wouldn’t need to pull out a PowerPoint presentation to remind him of all your great traits and strengths. He’d just know. He’d be there with you.
He wouldn’t make you feel this way. If he loved you, you wouldn’t feel so alone.
So let him go. Let him go for yourself. Because as long as you are holding onto this, nothing else will come around. No other love will be able to knock on your door.