1. Can I call into work and say my grandma died?
2. Will that do some weird cosmic karma and make my real life grandma actually die?
3. It’s just that I’m so tired this morning and she is pretty old…
4. [sees couple break up on Facebook]
5. [sees bitchy girl from high school never did anything impressive with her life]
6. Oh damn, that’s one seriously ugly baby.
7. Do you think the mom knows down deep how ugly their baby is?
8. …What if I have an ugly baby one day?
9. Ugh, I really don’t want to have an ugly baby 😩
10. Wow, Blah-Blah really thinks they’re deep AF, but actually they’re fucking lame. Should someone tell them?
11. Eek, that dude REALLY let himself go.
12. Who is the least attractive person I’ve had sex with?
13. How drunk would I need to be to fuck that person?
14. He’s dating HER?!
15. She’s dating HIM?!
16. I bet that couple has sex with the lights off. I mean, look at them, what else could they do?
17. That dude over there looks like he still tries to do the alphabet while going down on a girl.
18. If I fart next to this fat guy right now, no one will ever think it was me.
19. That person has a really unattractive mother.
20 If I died, who could come to my funeral?
21. I would pay obnoxious amounts of money to be able to witness my own funeral.
22. I want to see my ex cry.
23. Mourn my death, you fucker, MOURN!
24. I wonder what the coolest way to die is.
25. I hope my obituary makes me seem much more impressive than I actually was.
26. [sees someone fall down]
27. I would rather see a little kid die in a movie than see a dog die in a movie.
28. [reading old messages]
I’m going to screenshot this if I ever need to potentially blackmail that person.
29. If I wanted to, I bet I could ruin someone’s life.
30. Seriously, I could just send their secrets out on Twitter. Expose them for who they really are. I have the receipts!
31. I know my friend looks terrible in this photo, but I’m still going to post it.
32. Why am I even friends with this person?
33. Hypothetically, I wonder if I could get away with murder.
34. If I posted a concerning Facebook status, would anyone message me to see if I’m okay?
35. I give it two years before that marriage ends in a bitter divorce. Two years.
36. He’s going to cheat on her. Hands down.
37. She’s settling for him.
38. What if I die alone and no one discovers my body until I’ve started decomposing and my cats are eating my rotting flesh?
39. But damn, that really IS an ugly baby. No more pictures, please.