Listen – I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. Buzzkill Eastman, reporting for duty. Not liking the beach probably makes me some sort of Antichrist. I get it! It’s a lovely place to soak up the sun and stare at the ocean, or whatever. You go there to goof around with your friends and you don’t have to wear pants. Sounds ideal.
But I have to speak my truth. Like Larry David expresses in this scene of Curb Your Enthusiasm, I just don’t get it.
Because quite frankly, my friends, the beach is low-key terrible. Allow me to explain.
1. Sand is the worst.
WHY. DOES. SAND. EXIST??? Have you ever tried to look graceful while walking in sand?! Can’t do it. Baywatch lied to you. I’m not trying to struggle while dragging my sorry ass over to a nice spot to put a towel down.
2. Oh, and good luck not getting it everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE.
I did not ask for sand all up in my ass crack. This is not the life I wanted.
3. You’re basically baking in a giant oven.
I see no difference between roasting a raw chicken and people hanging out at the beach. You’re both getting COOKED. A certain level of sun exposure is good in terms of vitamin D, but people take it way too far and just bake. You understand that the sun is quite literally damaging you, right? You’re a human shish kabob.
4. As soon as you feel relaxed, you’ll get smacked with a beach volleyball or a football.
Without fail, whenever I finally get into a good spot and think, “Hey, this isn’t so bad!” some flying object appears out of nowhere and hits me. Um, hello, is this middle school dodge ball over again? NO. DO NOT WANT.
5. Seagulls are flying overhead ready to shit all over your day. Literally.
True story, my first day of high school a bird pooped on me as soon as I arrived. I’ve been traumatized ever since.
6. Children. Screaming.
I love kids and babies as much as the next person, but they’re so loud at the beach. Can you just build a sandcastle and keep it down? Thanks, I appreciate it.
7. All the good-looking folks are already coupled off.
So I just end up staring wistfully like a damn creep. GREAT.
8. Seaweed is gross.
And unless it’s on my sushi or some shit, I don’t want to run into it. WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST STEP ON, MY GAWD.
9. You step on glass.
Because some asshole left his broken beer bottle in the sand and LUCKY YOU discovers it. With your foot. Your now bleeding foot.
10. It’s boring.
Bottom line: it’s boring. I’m the summertime Grinch, sure. But there’s not a whole lot going on there. Yes, the ocean is pretty. Yes, sunshine is cool. But how do people spend all day at the beach? I’m honestly asking. HOW?!?!