I Can’t Hide It Any Longer, I Have A Big, Stupid Crush On You


I wanted to act like it wasn’t a big deal. Like I don’t get that give-away fluttery feeling whenever I see it’s your name who texted. Like I don’t count down the days until I can see you like an eager kid waiting for Christmas. That I’m not already all in without even knowing what I’m in for.

But damn, I’ve never had much of a poker face. You should know that.

It’s all stupid, I tell myself. Having a crush is so stupid, I think.

I was sure I didn’t want the anxiety of ~*~*developing feelings~*~*, the rush of wanting and hoping. I wasn’t looking for this. I swear to God, I didn’t want this!

But then, there you are. And I’m lost in the idea of us. I think of your smile and I’m smiling to myself like an idiot all over again. It’s all out of my control.

I have a crush on you. Crush is such a fitting term because sometimes, it feels like I can’t breathe. Sometimes, I’m so under the weight of wanting to know you, your day, your dreams, that I’m not sure I’ll make it out alive. You’re this boulder I can’t push off. Plus, I’m not sure I’d really want to.

When I think about you, I’m struck with just how long it’s been since I’ve had this feeling. When someone is so absurdly fascinating that you realize you could listen to them talk all day and never be bored. When someone is so intoxicating, you’d drink their poison even if it was going to be your demise. I can’t stop. I can’t stay away.

I want you. I like you. I *insert whatever gross, cheesy thing I could possibly say here*. I know I’m supposed to play it cool and brush it all off. I know I’m supposed to not Google your favorite sports team so I can learn the stats (you know, just in case). I know I’m supposed to be on top of this. I’m supposed to not think of you. So. Damn. Much.

When I see you, it’s like the moment before the roller coaster drops. And honestly?

I never want this feeling to stop. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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