I Don’t Believe In God And I Don’t Need Your Help

alygrossii
alygrossii

For a while, I used to hope something would change my mind. I’ve fantasized about finding religion in some romanticized way, like those washed up actors who suddenly have a mid-life epiphany. They spout Bible verses like everything finally makes sense.

I envied friends who never questioned how the universe works, how we got here, or where we eventually go.

I’ve opened up to the possibility of, “I don’t know what exists” and found that to be as cemented as I can get.

I just don’t believe in God. And no, I don’t need your prayers or suggestions on how to find the light. Because what I’ve learned is this IS my light. This is how I feel at home. This is how I make peace with the nightmares.

Now listen, I have my moments of spirituality. And I’m comfortable with the idea that I don’t know. That maybe deaths aren’t ultimate finalities. But I’m okay with that hanging question.

I never believed in a God, but at sixteen, it got even harder. How could I wrap my brain around something as inconsistent as a higher power when this power robbed me of my father? A truly good human being who lived a way I’ve heard referenced in religious ceremonies. Loving. Compassionate. Selfless.

Instead, I sit by his side and watch it disintegrate. Hollowed out body, his skin, his flesh shed like a snake.

I guess I cannot believe in God when he took my Dad, took him and left me.

Gone.

To where? I have no idea.

And it’s okay to not know. It’s okay that I’ve made this personal decision. It’s okay that I like talking to my Dad like he’s still here. And not necessarily because I believe he is watching over, but because I think relationships can exist after death. And that doesn’t require religion.

The first time a stranger told me he was in a better place, I gently requested they never mention Heaven to me again.

There is no better place than my heart, my home. I don’t believe in God and I don’t need your help. I’ve found what I believe on my own. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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  • http://ionmanzatu.wordpress.com manzatu

    Când ştii că eşti acasă?

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    2016-02-16 0:31 GMT+02:00 Thought Catalog :

    > arieastman posted: ” For a while, I used to hope something would change my > mind. I’ve fantasized about finding religion in some romanticized way, like > those washed up actors who suddenly have a mid-life epiphany. They spout > Bible verses like everything finally makes sense” >

  • chiharumon

    We all have our different views in life.
    I respect yours. :)

  • mandibelle16

    I’m sorry you don’t believe in God. That is your choice. But it is also my choice to pray for you, I’ll do it if I want. You say that God took your Dad from you, people die everyday. Your Dad was one of those people. Cancer is a horrible way to go. There are not many good ways to die, but I firmly believe when it’s your time to die you die. Whether it’s Cancer that kills you or you die in your sleep, or drop dead of a heart attack. You want to see your Dad again and you believe he’s watching over you. Where do you think he’s watching over you from. You and I know where you will find true peace. I don’t have to tell you. You know, but you refuse to go there anymore, content with the thought that you don’t know. You know. Thanks

  • http://diaryofabeautifuldisaster.com Kristin_Lia

    I’m stuck in that place where I don’t really know what I believe. I went to a Catholic school from Kindergarten to COLLEGE! Religion was practically forced down my throat. I was forced into Confirmation at 14, even though by “confirming” you make a conscious choice to choose Catholicism. I didn’t have a choice. Religion wasn’t a luxury. I stopped going to Church long ago, but if I ever feel the need to go, it’s on my own accord, not because it’s Sunday and someone tells me it’s a requirement. And you know what? It’s a different feeling when I CHOOSE to go rather than when I was forced. I still don’t know what I believe. I know I don’t believe in Catholicism or organized religion. They’re too hypocritical. I do believe in good, being a kind person, and living by example. Is there a God? Is Heaven real or just a place we concoct to reassure ourselves that death isn’t just a complete end? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever make those decisions.

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