1. I’m sorry I don’t try to understand you more. I guess I can’t pull the lame, “it’s not you, it’s me.” It’s both of us, really.
2. Maybe that’s why learning you is so scary. We are just two sides of the same coin.
3. The first time you crawled into bed with me, I wasn’t sure how to ask you to leave. So for a long time, I didn’t. I let my voice fall silent and accepted your touch.
4. There are times I love you a little bit. If someone asked me to explain, I’d point to the spot you carved in the back of all this grey matter. I have known you longer than I remember not knowing you. That you have stuck with me through it all. I guess I can’t say that for everyone.
5. …And there are times I hate you a little bit. Or more accurately, you make me hate me. I become convinced I don’t work properly. And that might be true. So I’ll look at people around me, those who never met you, and wonder why you picked me. What was so fundamentally wrong with me? Why am I full of all your empty?
6. I’ve always wondered what happened to you in 2010. Did you go on vacation? Did you go all millennial and just ghost on me? Gone, without a word. I’m not complaining, but I guess the goodbye was so sudden, I always question what happened.
7. Did you feel like there was no place for you anymore? That I was too in love and happy to have Depression tagging along?
8. You’d be right. I was too in love and happy. And sorry for how harsh this sounds, but I didn’t miss you.
9. Did you miss me? Did you think of me? Or were you always there, hiding away in some recess of my mind waiting for the right opportunity to remind me of your existence?
10. When we were reunited, I felt almost relieved. Like seeing an old boyfriend who treated me poorly. My life has been so much of you, I didn’t know what was you and what was me.
11. Everything felt like ash that night. You know the night I’m talking about. For years, I’ve blamed you for the burning.
12. You aren’t at fault for all my burning. Sometimes, it’s just me.
13. I guess you’re an easy out. A scapegoat I can point fingers towards. I hope one day you’ll forgive me.
14. Therapy doesn’t mean I’m trying to rid you from me. Therapy means I’m trying to learn how to live in peace.