1. Having no idea how you got those random bruises.
Taking a shower is just as much about marveling at newfound mystery spots as it is actually cleaning yourself. Each day is a mini-surprise. “Ohhhh, look! Got a big boy right on my thigh. Ahhh, an especially purple one on my arm!” Where did they come from? When did they get here? Some things you’ll never truly know.
2. Stairs are your arch nemesis.
Yes, you will be clutching the side railing for dear life because you know what happens when you don’t. You somehow even manage to trip walking UP the stairs. Truly gifted.
3. You weren’t the most athletic kid growing up.
Sports weren’t your forte. Or really anything that required basic hand-eye coordination.
*Typical conversation with your P.E. teacher*
“You mean, you expect me to actually CATCH that flying object hurtling towards me????”
4. Dreading your period.
Okay, so very few of us really celebrate when we get our periods (Unless you’re freaked you might be pregnant. In that case, BRING ON AUNT FLO!). But in addition to the usual annoyance of cramping and generally feeling terrible, you become even MORE clumsy. Hey, nothing says a good time quite like blood and losing your balance!
5. Being afraid to hold someone’s baby.
Because you can’t just offer to replace that shit if you drop it.
6. Uneven pavement ruins your day.
OK, WHAT KIND OF HELL IS THIS? THE GODDAMN GROUND ISN’T EVEN FLAT??? IS SOMEONE TRYING TO KILL YOU?
7. High heels, lol. No.
There are some women who glide along, graceful and effortlessly chic in a gorgeous pair of stilettos. You will never be one of them. But it’s okay. You rock those flats, baby girl.
8. You can’t really wear white.
Because if there is possibly a way you could spill something on your pristine outfit, trust, YOU WILL. You’ve decided it’s not even your fault. Gravity is just out to get you.
9. You fall on literally nothing.
Honestly, kudos. How do you even do this? You trip when there isn’t anything to trip on. This kind of takes skill. Good for you.
10. Head-butting your date when you’re trying to be sexy.
Your attempts at seduction are always blocked by your natural clumsiness. You should come equipped with a warning label. CAUTION: Hooking up with this person means they will accidentally hurt you at some point.
11. You couldn’t ever master cutting things in a straight line.
In fact, you sort of sucked at all crafts that included using your hands. (Read: all crafts)
12. Sometimes, you fantasize about becoming a ballerina/professional dancer.
…And then run into a door. So, you have to let that dream go.