Somewhere between the second glass of wine and Netflix obnoxiously asking, “Are you still watching?” a thought crosses your mind that you never wanted to admit. It’s an embarrassing sort of darkness you know would just seem like a cry for help. Like some sad Facebook post that we all secretly cringe at.
So you just keep pushing it back down, ignoring this gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach. You don’t want to say it out loud. Because if you say it, maybe you’ll give this terrible fear some sort of power. Like you might somehow speak it into truth. And if that happens, what’s next?
Maybe you know exactly when you first made this toxic self-assesment. You can trace its twisty roots back to childhood, how you watched others on the playground so effortlessly happy and care-free. You wanted to be like them, to fit in without having to overthink every action you made. You craved normalcy. Simplicity. That comforting feeling like you finally belonged.
But you never quite got there.
And so, the idea was planted. Perhaps you won’t be like everyone else. Perhaps you don’t deserve to be.
Or, maybe even more painful, you have no clue how you came to believe this damaging thought about yourself. It’s just always been there — a knowing that you can’t shake. You sit and watch everyone around you give and receive. They seem to just understand it. Accept it. Not question why someone could see good in them.
You envy those people. You want to know what happened to fuck you up so eternally. It doesn’t seem fair. But you remember, life rarely is. So, you suck it up. You stop asking for answers.
And now here you are, trying to bury this nagging thought that refuses to stay hidden. It’s popping up when you least expect it. You’re thinking about it when sleep refuses to find you. You’re thinking about it in song lyrics, movies, stupid memories that claw at your heart. You can’t stop from whispering it when no one else is around to hear. What if I’m unworthy of love?
You are. And I understand those two words aren’t enough to change how you feel. It’s not like a lightbulb just went off and you can finally see a way through this dark path. I get it. I’m not saying anything revolutionary.
You are worthy of love because you’ve thought about it. You’ve feared it. You’ve tossed and turned, trying to figure out how to reach a place of understanding and peace. That means more than you realize.
You might be shaking your head, no way could you ever love yourself. You don’t like what you see, who you are, avoid a mirror at all costs. Go ahead! Give me all the excuses in the book. I’m not arguing with you. You probably won’t like yourself all the time. Who the hell does??
But whether or not you recognize it, you’ve got an inner-well of love, and that’s the kind of thing that never runs dry. Sometimes, it takes an entire lifetime of searching to realize we had what we needed all along. You are capable of quenching your own thirst.