17 Things That Happen When An Overthinker Develops A New Crush

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

1. Try to convince yourself you actually don’t. Because crushes are a damn commitment! And you certainly don’t have time for *feelings* and all the worrying that goes along with. Nope. Noooo. You absolutely do NOT have a crush.

2. …And then you see that perfect face and your heart is instantly pulverized into a mushy smoothie — Fine. Whatever. You might have a crush.

3. Making eye contact becomes a huge conscious effort. Because there’s some weird part of you that thinks, somehow, they will look at you and just KNOW. Your eyes will totally tell on you – “Hey, hey! I’ve got some juicy gossip. See this person? The one looking at you through me? He/she LOVES you! Hehe.”

4. Pratice conversations in the shower. Or on your drive to work. Just chilling in bed on a lazy Sunday. Basically any place you are guaranteed a bit of privacy, oh yeah, you’re coming up with interesting topics to discuss and testing out the perfect tone to casually say: “Heyyy!”

5. Worry that “Heyyy” sounds weirdly excited. “Hi” is too robotic and formal. Fuss over: “How are you?” — too invasive. Settle on a head nod.

6. Verbally beat yourself up the rest of the day for giving a FREAKING HEAD NOD.

7. Investigate your crush online. And spend the next hour convinced you accidentally liked an Instagram photo from 56 weeks ago. Consider deleting all traces you ever existed on any social media account. EVER.

8. Orchestrate the perfect way to just accidentally run into this new crush. Oh, you go to this coffee shop? That’s so weird. I had nooooo idea.

9. But when you do see your crush, totally clam up and don’t say anything. Maybe squeak out a “good” when they say “what’s up?” and immediately want to die. Oh. My. God.

10. Look for any possible sign that feelings could be mutual. I mean, seriously, ANY sign. “He DEFINITELY lingered when handing me my coffee cup.” or “She said my name and kind of smiled when she said it, so that definitely means she likes me, right?!”

11. Plan. Plan. Plan. The overthinker is crippled by the thought of anything spontaneous. There needs to be something set in motion. And a Plan B. and C. Because oh god, what if it all falls through? Many nights are spent just thinking and scheming.

12. If you run into the crush while out with your friends, you work EXTRA hard to act cool and collected. Shut up, Katherine, don’t you DARE give it away. Don’t giggle. THEY WILL KNOW! Everything is fine. It’s breezy. Didn’t even see them over there.

13. Create a playlist of songs that you imagine one day listening to together. Like a soundtrack to magically fall in love to.

14. Spend an embarrassing amount of time scoping out anyone attractive who has commented on their pictures. Because it’s probably his sister. It’s his sister. Just tell me it’s his god damn sister, okay????

15. Remember any little detail they provide. A favorite musician? You stored that information away for good. Probably even checked to see if any shows will be in your area. That way you can super casually mention it. Oh what? You already got tickets? And you have an extra one? I mean, yeah, it’s not a big deal though…

16. Become paranoid that they can actually hear your heart thumping in your chest.

17. Stress, daydream, and above all else, remember that having a crush can make you feel a little out of your mind — but for all the right reasons. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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