1. Create a Tinder profile and use it when you are in the same room as your crush. Change your preferences on the app to people within 1 mile. Swipe until you find their profile and if it’s an immediate match, YOU’RE GOLDEN.
2. Stand in the rain together and yell, “I wrote you everyday, for a year!” When they say, “You don’t even have my number!” That’s the go ahead to snag those digits. Like the smooth operator you are.
3. Build a time machine and ask Einstein to temporarily hold off on that whole general theory of relativity and instead make a “Do you like-me-like me like I like-you-like you?” formula.
4. Pull a Mrs. Doubtfire and, while incognito, become their personal assistant. Slowly gain their trust and confidence. And then, begin to ask questions like, “How was your childhood?” and “Do you like anyone?”
5. Ask to read their palm because you are a palm reader. Feel for their pulse. Does it quicken? Does it slow? Do they look visually disgusted by your touch?
6. Recite the monologue from Jerry Maguire. Note whether they kiss you or run away.
7. Claim to have lost your phone and ask them if you can borrow theirs. If they say yes, you’re in. Keep their phone as a prize.
8. Tell them knock knock jokes, but make the last one: “Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “The love of your life, maybe, idk???”
9. Hop back in that time machine you built earlier and track down Merlin the wizard. He’ll be like, “Get out of here, I’m busy with important Wizard shit.” But don’t worry, that’s just how Merlin gets when his blood sugar is low. Bring him a sandwich and in return, he will happily pull out his crystal ball and do some Jedi-Wizard magic voodoo to decipher who your beloved truly loves.
10. When you hug them, pay attention to whether or not they smell your hair. Prolonged hair-smelling is a tell-tale sign of true love.
11. Watch them Whip. Then watch them Nae Nae.
12. Or you know, just summon up the courage and ask.