1. “I wonder how long would it take for someone to discover my dead body…”

2. “Omg, do pets eat their deceased owners?”

3. “Well, I guess it would be survival. All Donner Party style, so could I really blame them??”

4. “Maybe my shitty-excuse-for-a-human-being-ex actually wasn’t that shitty and I should call them up?”

5. “I don’t even want to get married. I just want someone to split a Costco card with.”

6. “Is it possible to forget how to have sex? Is it like riding a bike???”

7. “I have a strong desire to never share things ever again. This is MY Netflix. This is MY pizza. This is MY bed. Please respect.”

8. “I might gently stab the next person who says something like: How can YOU be single???”

9. “Masturbating is getting pretty boring.”

10. “Tinder is just how I fall asleep. Like a weird lullaby or watching a Friends rerun.”

11. “Do you think that kid I had a crush on in kindergarten is hot now? Or married? Or…alive?”

12. “I am legitimately blanking on when the last time I kissed someone was.”

13. “It’s better this way because there’s only room in my bed for me and the pillow I snuggle with.”

14. “Should I get life alert?”

15. “Because what if I DO fall and can’t get up?”

16. “Sex probably wasn’t as great as I remembered it.”

17. “You know what feels even better than sex? Sticking your hand under the cold side of the pillow. Yeah. Definitely better.”

18. “Crushes on fictional characters are completely a productive use of my time.”

19. “What if I could be like one of those weird plant things that just produces offspring all alone? Like WHAT IF I COULD REGENERATE AND CREATE A BABY?”

20. “I already have a baby though.”
*pets a fern*

21. “Yes ma’am, I would like a table of one. TABLE OF ONE, A TABLE OF ONE FOR FUN!”

22. “I’m getting life alert.”