17 Signs You Really Just Want A Dog, Not A Boyfriend

Mike Babiarz
Mike Babiarz

1. You want someone to snuggle with at night. But the second they start humping your leg, you can kick them off the bed.

2. You want someone to join you on hikes, late night jogs around your neighborhood — just generally have some company when you decide to try out that “exercise” thing.

3. You don’t want to play the endless “Where you do want to eat? I don’t care” game. You just want to feed them at scheduled intervals, no fuss, no hassle.

4. You could use a healthy dose of unconditional love.

5. You’d love to just walk down a hallway of a shelter and pick your favorite. And be pretty much guaranteed they like you back.

6. You want someone who considers any tiny thing you do to be the most absolute greatest thing a person could do ever. “OH BOY, YOU ARE SO GREAT! YOU WALKED FROM THE BEDROOM TO THE KITCHEN IN THE BEST WAY EVER!”

7. You want someone to greet you when you get home from work the way Oprah announces surprise prizes. “IT’S YOUUUUU! YOU’RE HOOOOOOOOME!!”

8. You’d secretly love them to wear a name tag indicating who they belong to and where they should be returned if lost.

9. And if they should ever do something they’re not supposed to, they will immediately confess and beg for forgiveness in the cutest way possible.

10. You really enjoy watching movies and television with another warm body next to you, but you’d prefer not to share the remote. And someone who will never audibly judge you for watching The Bachelorette.

11. You want someone who is stoked that you got that raise, not potentially threatened by your personal success.

12. Saying “good boy” or “bad boy” isn’t something you ever want to use in a sexual context.

13. You’re sick of constantly reminding someone to put the toilet seat down. (Though to be fair, you’d have to actually pick up after your dog. Okay 1 point awarded to Boyfriend vs Dog)

14. You’re looking for a “till death-do-us-part” kind of relationship.

15. You really want a good listener. Like a REALLY good listener.

16. You want someone who will never judge you for gaining a few pounds. Or eating an entire bag of potato chips and then crying in an empty bathtub that time you got really, really drunk.

17. At the end of the day, you just want someone who is your best friend, there when you really need them, and likes to play fetch. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Read this: I Cried About You Tonight

About the author

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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