1. Download Tinder. Message every single match the ring emoji. It basically says, “I’m a catch! I like diamonds! This is the beginning to our beautiful love story! I am so lonely!” People looooove that!
2. Go to the mall and when one of those kiosk people ask if you want your hair straightened, immediately start crying and ask them why they don’t think you are beautiful as is. Love always blooms next to Cinnabon. It’s science.
3. Tell your Uber driver you have nowhere to go, except straight into their heart.
4. Walk down the street and wink at everyone. Constantly. Wink so much your eyes begin to water. Don’t let that stop you though. Irritated eyes are very attractive.
5. Scroll through your phone contacts and find that one name who you just CANNOT remember. 9/10 times that person is your perfect soulmate. So just cut the bullshit and ask them if they’re free. When they respond, “Who is this?” just say, “Your future.”
6. Repeatedly tweet that celebrity you have the hots for. They read them all. And they fall in love with you a little more each time. Valentine’s Day will be when they finally admit their feelings.
7. Stand outside in the rain because it’s romantic and someone will probably come kiss you. Just stay there. Doesn’t matter how long it takes. STAY STRONG.
8. When strangers pass by, just shout Nicki Minaj lyrics off her latest album, The Pinkprint. Studies have shown people will immediately fall in love with you if you do this.
A few choices for you:
“KITTY ON FLEEK! PRETTY ON FLEEK!”
“I never fucked Wayne! I never fucked Drake!
“I’m throwing shade like it’s sunnyyyyyy!”
“These bitches suck, so I nickname these bitches BJ!”
9. Call your ex. Hang up.
10. Call your ex again. Order a pizza from them.
11. Call your ex and ask why it’s been over an hour and you still don’t have pizza.
12. Call Pizza Hut and ask what the deal is with your ex and why they won’t return your calls.
13. Get a real life date with someone and make sure you are dressed to impressed. For example:
14. Introduce yourself to people as Drake. And start rapping.
15. Prepare a home-cooked meal of rice cakes.
16. Talk like Kermit the Frog because he has a very sensual voice. *this right here’s a panty droppaaa* “Hello, Miss Piggy!”
17. Walk through a Starbucks Drive-Thru and order a relationship. Also a cake pop.
18. Serenade your crush with a song, ideally “No Flex Zone” because it screams commitment, romance, and intimacy.
19. Whisper the word “asparagus” to absolutely no one. Studies have shown the love of your life will hear you, no matter how far apart you might be.
20. Send your crush this article and say, “OMG THIS BITCH IS DUMB LOL WTF IS THIS WASTE OF TIME, WANNA HOOK UP?” But it won’t work without the caps lock.