I wake up in the morning and see you asleep. You look so peaceful. I wonder what you are dreaming of, if you still are. I let you enjoy the precious moments till you awake.
You wake up with a frown, unsure of what the day holds for you. It is another bright morning as we are stuck inside our apartment like the rest of the world. I know you are sad, but I miss the sparkle your eyes once had.
I touch the back of your neck and you scrunch up your shoulders. I am not trying to make you mad; I am only trying to show you I care, and I know you know that. I come to hold you from the back and your body stiffens.
Lately, mornings have been difficult for you, especially now when it is challenging for most of us. I can see it is harder for you than probably most people I know.
Your usual cup of coffee has turned into three in a desperate need to feel more awake after too many hours of sleep. I watch you work, wondering how the rest of your day will go. I wish there was something I could do to change things for you.
Your excitement for food seems to have diminished like your appetite for life that you once had. You used to be so happy. You had this light inside that could brighten many lives, and now I wonder where the light is hiding. It’s only a matter of time…
You spend most of your afternoon standing out in the balcony, staring out into the unknown beyond the crossroads that most eyes can see. We look out at the little pond, often visited by three ducks. Sometimes they are all together and sometimes there is only one.
I asked you to name the one duck and you said you needed time to think. You said you wanted to be that duck.
Hours seem to go by too fast or too slow for you. I know you try hard because I see you make your lists of things you want to accomplish, and I know you mean it when you color coordinate your tasks. I always catch a momentary smile on your face when you believe that you will achieve them all, and I believe in you.
That fleeting moment passes too fast. I see it brings you down when you realize you cannot do it all in a day, and I want to tell you it’s okay, but I know you will not believe me. I tell you anyway, and you look at me with your disappointed eyes.
You tell me there is nothing that bad in your life, and I know that is true. I know you try hard to stay positive.
You tell me true joy comes from within, and you ask me how people can find that if there is only sadness inside. I do not know the answer, but for you, I wish I did. I want you to find that inner happiness.
I wonder if being quarantined together has solidified our relationship. I will stay positive for both of us. This time has shown me that we can find serenity just being quiet sitting near each other. If we can overcome this, we can probably overcome a lot.
It’s hard for someone like me to understand why you would feel this way, but I want you to know that I am here for you. It is difficult for me to accept that there is nothing I can do to change the way you feel. It took me a long time to understand that I may never fully understand.
I want you to know that I loved you then and I still love you now, even if you do not believe me. I know it is not easy for you. I know if it were easy, you would have already done something about it. I know you are not doing this to be difficult; I know it must be hard for you to feel how you feel.
You’re not choosing sadness; sadness chose you, and it is beyond your control.
I won’t give up on you when you are going through a hard time.
This story isn’t even about you. It is my story. It is how I see myself through your eyes.
I wish I could tell you how much I love you and I wish I could be better. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for how I am and how I have been. I wish I could let go of my sadness and enjoy this beautiful life with you. I wish I could feel the joy in living my life with you. I wish I could be less like me and more like you.
I know you are staying positive for both of us. At a time like this, if it’s love, it will absolutely look like this. Thank you for loving me through my sadness.
The duck’s name is Happy.