I was dreading the day when you would find out, and I kept that moment as far away as I could. Call it immaturity, call it being selfish, but I wanted to hold on to you as long as I could because I was worried that I would lose you completely.
I always used my words to keep you close because it is easy for me to utter these verses to you before truly feeling the meaning.
I always wondered what it would be like to be in love because I wanted to feel this mad, passionate love for someone.
I wanted to feel the love that people talk about in books and movies, the kind of love that doesn’t seem real but exists beyond the silver screens or in the words of someone who desperately failed.
I planned for this love in my life, even though I had mostly seen failures. Call me delusional, but I never cared to be rich or famous. I wanted this one true love that would make me have faith in the world.
When you grow up desperate to feel truly loved, you will do anything for someone to tell you they love you. I was so hungry to know what it felt like that I looked for love in all the wrong places, only to be disappointed and hurt.
Sometimes when you want something so badly, you will do anything to get it, even if it makes no sense and follows no logic. All I ever wanted was to feel love.
Everyone says you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. is it reasonable to blame me for seeking something from the books that I searched for in real life but never found? Would you call me weak for looking for love because I had never felt it from anyone else?
I never learned to love myself, so I tried to look for love from you. I always knew the right words to say, but as they say, talk is cheap.
Could you only feel sorry for me because I always tried so hard? Would you consider me clingy because everyone I ever tried to love left me? Should I be considered desperate because I was the kind of girl who would do anything to not feel alone?
Despite all the disappointments, I was always strangely hopeful that true love existed. Now I know that deep within I was always the scared little girl who was looking for someone to love me even if the adult in me told me to be strong and that I needed no one.
I shouldn’t have punished you for other people’s mistakes. I shouldn’t have made you suffer for the wounds I got from others. You see, this one boy from my past hurt me so much that I thought it was okay to break others too.
And I am so sorry for that.
Three years ago, I was talking to a friend, who told me, “Relationships aren’t easy. They take work. You have to change with them. People think it’s a cliché to change for another person, but if you want to continue being with someone else, you have to let yourself grow, and growth is change.”
I had forgotten that, and as you began to change and grow when you were with me, I resisted change because I was scared of the uncertainties because they are intimidating.
I never learned to fight well with you, but I tried to fight against you, and that was never right.
I was not ready to change myself and I was not ready to grow when I needed to grow with you so we could have the possibility to work in the long run.
I want to change, and I want to grow. I want to be the best version of myself possible with you because you make me want to be a better person.
I did this because when most of the world gave up on me, you didn’t.
Right now, as I fight for you, I want you to fight for me, because without you, it just wouldn’t be the same.
When I met you, you never made me question my feelings for you. You always made me feel safe.
I was scared to lose you every day, but you never let me get completely lost in my self-made scary thoughts.
You treated me like the best damn thing in this world, and I wanted to treat you the same, but at times I failed.
Another friend of mine recently told me that everyone deserves to be somebody’s first choice. You are my one and only choice.
I was only trying to protect myself when I hurt you the most, and there is never an excuse for that. I am truly sorry.
I chose you because I felt you would do whatever it takes, and sometimes it takes a lot. I chose you because I am willing to risk everything in the process hoping you would do the same.
I chose you with the promise I made myself that this life of happiness comes with a price, and a life with you would be worth it all; it will be worth all the work.
I cannot promise you eternity, but I will always hope for the best. Right now, I can see it more clearly than ever that when I choose you, it will be only you.
I cannot promise you forever, but when I am with you, I will be with only you because I have waited for you all my life.
I chose you to be my life; I chose you to be my world.
So, if you are reading this, I love you.