First dates are quite something. They are nerve-wracking, scary and exciting.
I remember such first dates, you are so hopeful and sometimes things go better than expected and then some are just a disaster. In college, once I made a smart decision at 2AM to go on a date with some random person after talking to him for like 2 minutes. The day of the date I was like “Why do I do this to myself? What is my purpose in life?” I wanted to lie and say I had food poisoning to cancel it, but I believe in karma so I didn’t. At the end of the date, I did not feel like kissing him, and I didn’t. We dated for 5 years, and there was a lot of love and chemistry all along.
If you feel the first date is a time for you to get to know someone for who they are without a kiss confusing you, then it is fine to wait. My friend Natasha feels that if you wait till the second or later date to kiss then you can better evaluate your interactions and compatibility. She has been in a serious relationship since March and she did not kiss her current boyfriend till their fifth date! Her boyfriend is like the unicorn of men.
Starting a new relationship can be exhausting because you have to go on so many first dates. Another instance: It was so awkward. I was not sure if I was interested in him or just feeling pressured to kiss him because he came to pick me up, paid for my dinner and dropped me off (I think that is called being a gentleman). I leaned in for a hug and he went in for a kiss, and me being a whole foot shorter- you can imagine this graceful encounter. It was the worst first kiss. Anyways, we went out again and it was amazing. We were together for two years so even if the first kiss was horrific, it didn’t affect us later.
Another first date: he was smart, intelligent with a great job. He loved his family. We talked about everything under the stars. I even had the names of our three genetically blessed children in mind. He got me a lyft (because I do not believe in uber) to drop me off and kissed me on the forehead, saying he hoped to see me soon. Later that night, he texted me saying how he could not wait for our next date. Then I never heard from him ever. Maybe he died or got abducted by aliens; I don’t know.
I had a chance to speak with psychotherapist Sindee Gozansky who said: “It’s okay to kiss on the first date if you want to. But it’s important to know why you want that kiss—because you feel attracted, because you’re curious, because a good kisser is a make-or-break for your relationship.”
Haven’t we all been there? She added, “Or is it because you feel obligated, because it’s the only way you know to say thanks, because you want the person to like you?”
(Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?)
I have had some magical, fairy tale level first kisses, then you find out either he lives in his parent’s basement at 30, or does not believe in having a bank account or that he bought his BMW by selling weed to high school children.
Honestly, I feel you can tell whether or not if you want to kiss someone within minutes. Also, feeling nervous can mean that you like this person, because otherwise you probably wouldn’t care. On this first date, we danced on the sidewalk and looked at constellations (after only two drinks). He asked me if he could kiss me and I turned my cheek towards him. He kissed me on the cheek, then I was like “and I thought you would give me a real kiss” and guess what? He did. Best first kiss ever. Three years together.
So what I am trying to say is that a great first kiss does not mean success and a shitty first kiss does not guarantee a disaster either. Sometimes it takes time to realize who you really like, sometimes you know that immediately. And sometimes, you may think you are crazy about someone- just to realize a week later that you feel nothing.
As Sindee said,
“Be sure to think about your standards at every stage of the dating relationship. Maybe a kiss on the first date is fine but going back to their place doesn’t align with your standards. You can always say I don’t kiss or hook up on the first date, but ask me again! And I bet they will.”
Whether or not, you kissed or not on the first date or if it was good or bad- it really doesn’t matter in the long run. All that matters is you had fun, respected each other and you kissed because you both wanted to.