Don’t Confuse Sex With Love

I was at a bar in Wicker Park with one of my girlfriends discussing her relationship issues regarding confusion, frustration, and uncertainty. Pretty much the entire time we were drinking our light beers, she was constantly checking her phone to see if ‘he’ texted her back – it had been three hours. To make it worse, he had checked in at a bar in Lincoln Park on Facebook during that time.

I have been her, I have been that girl constantly checking her phone, vaguely ignoring the friend who was ‘physically’ present with her, questioning the validity of the so-called ‘I don’t know what we are’ guy friend.

I will also say that getting older has definitely changed my priorities, and I do not waste my time waiting for someone to text me back; normally I don’t keep my phone out when I am hanging out with anyone. It’s just rude.

At that point, as I was sipping on my fourth Miller lite, I remembered what one of my best friends told me: “Don’t confuse sex with love. They are two different things.”

Many women define who they are by their relationship status – whether they are married, engaged, or single. But defining who you are by the presence or absence of a guy already puts you at a disadvantage in life, as other accomplishments remain behind the curtains.

Many women do not define themselves by their career, what they do in life or what they are passionate about. ( I have a Master’s degree and I think that is a pretty big deal.)

In life I have learned that relationships should be a part of life, not the other way around. It’s just an aspect of life that seems to overshadow it all, mostly for my kind.

We spend too much time reading self help books and articles about what men like; what qualities men look for in a wife – most of which is a waste of time. Are you really trying to fit a check list? Most of those articles don’t even make sense.

I have been that girl who imagined a happily married life with a man and our three genetically blessed children and two golden retrievers – basically as soon as I met him. Sometimes we just feel obligated to be in a relationship with the first person that comes our way, as if there is going to be no one else, and that is  not true.

What I would encourage more women to focus on is their intelligence, their education and their ability to be comfortable in their own skin. Right now, it is more important for me to be optimistic and be someone who radiates positive energy and be kind to men and women everywhere. Why don’t we all try to be that person who is genuine and loves life in general, instead of trying to get a guy’s attention?  

At my wise age (with plenty of mistakes made along the way), I have learned that you can’t confuse sex with love – that’s one of the most common mistakes women make. When a guy sleeps with a girl,  he doesn’t get attached as easily as the girl does. If you are the type who gets attached and isn’t sure what is going on, don’t sleep with the guy just to make him happy or make him fall for you.

If you want love, do not lie to yourself that sex is enough or that it will change to love. Set your standards, and abide by them.

If you are confused about where he stands, don’t confuse yourself more by sleeping with him (then trying to figure it out with your girlfriends by decoding all his texts). A decent guy will make his intentions known. If a guy says he’s not ready for a relationship and just  wants to have fun – and you are looking for something serious – he is not the person you should be spending time with.

You don’t have to  put yourself through unnecessary drama – it doesn’t have to be complicated. Us women tend to expect too much too quickly, I am guilty of that in the past.

Enjoy your days and your nights; spend time with friends. Spend time with guys who make time for you – it’s okay to date multiple people until you are sure about what you want. Don’t settle until you find your match. Don’t fall by yourself, find someone who is ready to fall with you.

And most of all, protect your heart – it has too much love to give.