I Used To Be Afraid, But Then I Learned To Live Life Without You

Sanja Marušić
Sanja Marušić

I used to be afraid of the dark. I would fear all of the monsters hiding under my bed and inside my mind. They always seemed to find their way out in the nighttime. So I always kept my phone close, and called you for every littlest thing. I thought you, and only you, could protect me from my darkest secrets and fears. I believed that without you, the darkness would swallow me whole. When the truth was that without you everything would look brighter, and the dark wouldn’t be a threat anymore.

I used to be afraid of sleeping alone. I believed that our bodies were made to fit together, and without you next to me a piece would be missing. If I ever had a nightmare, waking up next to your calming body would help me feel safe again. It wasn’t until I started sleeping by myself I realised that the scariest nightmare of them all was the destructive curse you had me under.

I used to be afraid of loneliness. I couldn’t imagine how I could ever live life by myself. I would spend every awake minute breathing the same air as you, being too close to comfort. Moments without you would feel incomplete, and my mind would always drift to your familiar face. But then I realised that loneliness is not something to fear, as being with yourself and getting to know your body and mind is the most important thing you can do in order to love yourself, and then others.

I used to be afraid of failure. You would make me not feel good enough, and I would do everything to change it. You would break me and I would be the one picking up the pieces, as my deepest fear was losing you. I tried so hard to keep you satisfied and be everything you wanted me to. I thought that if I failed at our relationship, I would be a failure in life. But letting go of you would actually turn out to be my biggest accomplishment, not a sign of weakness.

I used to be afraid of life without you. Your protective but manipulative way of loving me used to scare me of life by myself. I used to think that I was helpless, that I could not manage to carry it all on my bare shoulders. But the day I started living life without you, was the day all of those burdens left my mind and body.

I might still be scared of a lot of things in life, but letting go of you is no longer one of them. Starting life over without you and our toxic relationship, taught me that I can actually manage to survive by myself. I am independent and strong, and I don’t need no man to help me get through life. I used to be afraid, but then I learned to live life without you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Anita Fosen

Journalism student, blogger, globetrotter and hopeless romantic. Check out Anita’s blog at Dine Wine Love.

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