You stare blankly at your phone, waiting for a text message that will never come. There are tears threatening to flood the gates of your eyes. “Fuck it,” you mutter. You hate being emotional because it makes you less smart and more prone to coming up with bad decisions.
It’s 1 a.m. and you start to calculate the time difference between you and him. The clock mounted on the wall tells you that it’s already late and you should probably need to get some rest. But every molecule in your body is buzzing with energy, convincing you to do something brave before the sun comes up.
So your fingers quickly type his name. But as soon as you see his picture, your whole world stops. Even hell freezes over. You can’t do it. You won’t do it. Reaching out to him is just too risky, too dangerous. You don’t want to cut open old wounds.
“Fuck it,” you say again. You’re frustrated and maybe you earn the right to cry now. You blame the world for separating the two of you. It’s unfair. It’s cruel. The only person who made you feel loved was taken away from you.
It’s 1 a.m. and you wish you could hear his voice. You wish you could be somewhere else, somewhere near him. You want to have him so bad like a junkie craving drugs. You know this isn’t healthy anymore. You hold your breath and you try your best not to think about him.
You wonder if it’s possible to spend the rest of your life still having feelings for someone who is no longer part of your circle. You wonder if it’s pathetic. You wonder if the guys who will fall in love with you in the future will understand you when you get to have moments like this.
It’s 1 a.m. and the earth is so damn quiet. You stand in front of your windows and see that the sky also looks sad. Maybe a day will come when you will be able to finally accept that he isn’t coming back. But that won’t be the case tonight.
You check your phone one last time, still no text message from him. Maybe in your dreams, you get to touch him again. Maybe you’ll see his smile and feel the warmth of it in your skin. Maybe he’ll tell you that he misses you too. And that’s something worth looking forward to.
So you force yourself to sleep.