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I’m Slowly Learning To Let You Go

I am looking at the clouds outside my window, thinking about you even though I know that you don’t remember a single thing about me anymore. I am trying to mentally order myself to calm down, to steady my vision, to catch my breath.

I am standing here, hundreds of miles away from you, still hurting from losing you in my life.

I keeping telling myself that forgetting you will be easy, but after all these months – I can’t seem to completely wipe you out of my mind. I can’t mark a date in my calendar and convince myself that when I wake up the day after, my heart will no longer be searching for your presence. I can’t just delete your contact and photographs on my phone and expect that my feelings for you will magically vanish.

The art of letting you go has no expiration. Getting over you is a laborious and sometimes painful process. It is slow and requires a lot of patience. There’s no guarantee that putting myself in a different place will make moving on smoother or more convenient.

Letting you go ultimately depends on me. I am the one who has the final say if I’m really ready to release you out of my life. My heart is the only thing that can speak out for the truth.

It takes all of my strength to say this, but this is me accepting that we’ll never get a second chance anymore.

We will never get to see each other excitedly and I’ll never get to hug you one more time. I’ll never witness the light in your eyes every time I approach you. I’ll never hear the sound of your voice that I desperately crave once in a while.

I am accepting that you’re happy in your life right now. There’s no more chance for us to catch up with the stories that we missed while we’re apart from one another. There’s no more comfortable silence as we sit side by side while we watch people walk across the street. There are no more lazy weekend afternoons doing random activities that we can think of.

This is me accepting that we won’t have another shot in love. This is me picturing you smiling as I look behind me, standing in the middle of the crowd, encouraging me to walk forward, mouthing the words, “You will be fine,” and waving your final goodbye.

This is me not having an option but to set you free.

I have to remind myself that there are so many years ahead of me and surely I’ll find someone like you, someone who can be better than you. This brokenness isn’t the one that’s going to end my world. Losing you is a sign that my life is about to turn to a different direction. This heartache is only temporary and won’t come along with me as I move towards a brighter tomorrow.

In time, I will learn how to fully enjoy life even without you. I will be able to laugh like nothing is holding me back. I will look at myself in the mirror and smile because my heart doesn’t feel heavy anymore. And I will wake up in the morning not searching for your face.

One day, I will finally understand why you’re not the person whom I ended up with. I will accept the truth that you’re only meant to appear in one chapter of my story. I will accept that our love for each other will not continue further, and maybe you really don’t have any role to play in my future anymore.

One day I will wake up and not think of you anymore. TC mark

Angelo Caerlang

Angelo Caerlang is the author of Sparks in Broken Lights.