I woke up this morning feeling a little bit different. I stared at my window as I watched the sun slowly rise above the earth. I tried to remember where I was exactly one year ago. I tried to remember what was running through my head at that time.
Then, the thought of you crossed my mind.
I did my best to keep myself busy so I could avoid recalling the tragedy of what happened between you and I. But the memory of you was stronger than my self-control.
I know I left without giving an explanation. Not even a slight clue about why I disappeared. I left with no warning. I stood in front of you one day and said only two words: I’m done.
But this is the real reason why I walked away from you: I got scared.
I got scared that maybe I was in the wrong place. I got scared that I’d feel stuck with you. I got scared that I’d be missing out so many incredible things in life if I stayed with you.
I felt unhappy at one point and thought it would be better if I ran away. I thought I would lessen the damage if I escaped silently. I knew eventually you would understand why I pulled myself away from you.
But I bet I only made things worse with me leaving that way. I bet it made you think of me as a terrible human being. And I apologize.
I know you deserve an apology — so this is me saying I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I didn’t try harder. I’m sorry I was selfish and didn’t consider the effect of my decision on you. I’m sorry I broke my promise of loyalty. I’m sorry I destroyed your trust in me. And I am so sorry that I got scared.
I was very young when I met you. There were so many things in life that I either didn’t understand or didn’t want to understand. I was a little bit confused. I had insecurities I was suppressing inside of me. I had doubts about where I was.
The easiest way for me to figure out what I wanted in life was to leave and start all over again. I was in a hurry to begin a new life that I never had the time to ponder if it was the right choice to make. I got way too excited about the promise of a fresh start.
There is no doubt in my mind that I disappointed you. And in case you’re wondering if I regret walking away from you, the answer is yes.
It’s hard for me to admit it, but I believe you deserve to know the truth. This time, I’m giving you a detailed explanation of why I left. This time, I’m swallowing my pride and delivering to you the apology that I should have given to you before.
I spent the whole day remembering how you used to make me your priority and how I blindly took that for granted. I wish I gave myself more time in making decisions. I wish I appreciated the way you did everything you could to make me stay.
I wish I realized how important I was to you.
I regret not fighting my demons. I regret not trying to be mature. I regret not giving you more chances that you deserve. I regret giving up so easily.
And, yes, I do regret leaving you.
It’s just so complicated for us to put everything back together right now. Maybe I am where I am at the moment because this is the place that I’m supposed to be in, for the meantime. But in the future, when the world makes a way for our paths to cross, I’m willing to personally give you my apology.
And I hope that we can pick up where we left off.