What Happens When He Chooses Her Over You

For months, I was wholeheartedly, madly, deeply in love with a boy. A boy who only wanted me for my body. When I finally spoke to him about wanting to be in an actual relationship, he responded with tired phrases like “I wouldn’t be good for you” and “I don’t like becoming attached” and “I’m just not the relationship type”.

Two weeks later, I found out that he was dating a loud girl with red hair who wrote poetry and only wore those green Stan Smith sneakers.

Upon finding out, my friends immediately brought me to our favorite coffee shop. I refused to speak for two hours. It wasn’t until that night, when I was wrapped up in a thick layer of blankets on my bed with the room pitch black, that I allowed myself to cry. It was a full-on, black-mascara-tears-smeared-all-over-your-face-as-you-gasp-for-air kind of of cry.

You begin to think, what is it about that girl that he wants? What is it she has that I don’t? You assess and obsess over every aspect of her being- the way she dresses, the pictures she posts, every bit of information that you can garner about her from the dark recesses of the internet. Maybe at some point you hate yourself for it, because you think you can’t compare to her.

Resist the urge to confront him. It’s not your fault he couldn’t see all the good things in you. You are so worthy of love, and nothing he has done or could have done can ever change that.

You don’t need me to tell you that it’s going to be hard. It might be the only thing you think of for weeks, consuming your mind and inhibiting your ability to properly focus on anything else. As you attempt to retain your sanity, some days are better and some days are worse- some nights you’ll listen to Best Thing I Never Had by Beyoncé and sniff at the thought of him, and other mornings you’ll wake up with him on your mind and it’ll ruin your mood for the rest of the day. None of it is easy, but all of it is worthwhile. You are going through the process of moving on and getting over.

Here’s the hard truth I wish someone would have told me then: Do not break your own heart trying to love someone else, especially someone who doesn’t deserve it. You cannot make anyone want you. All you can do in this world is look your best, be your best and truest self, and choose the things that are worth fighting for.

Do not hate the girl he chose over you. Remember that she is a person too, with a life just as full of joys and tragedies as yours. She was probably doing what you would have done in the situation- be with the person that makes her happy. You cannot blame her for that.

Do not let your heartbreak harden you or make you grow bitter, thereby hindering your ability to start afresh in a new relationship. While I am angry because he didn’t tell me the truth about not wanting to be in a relationship with me, I am not angry at him for being with her, because that is what made him happy, and every human being has the right to pursue their own happiness.

Some things, like the emotions you feel for another person, are sometimes inexplicable and incontrollable, and you have to accept that as a fact of life or risk spending your entire life in stubborn denial of a truth that will never change.

You can’t choose who other people are attracted too, but you can choose how you respond in these types of situations. Choose happiness. Allow yourself time to feel the emotions you do and acknowledge the reasons behind why you feel them, but dwelling on them for too long is both exhausting and pointless. Focus your mind on different things, better things like becoming more generous and forgiving or inhaling an entire restaurant’s worth of sushi in one go. You will never regret the steps that you take to love yourself.