Thought Catalog

How I Killed Myself Without Actually Dying

  • 0
Franca Gimenez

It took a simple mistake to show me everything that I was doing wrong in my life. I ended up making a life changing decision that showed me the type of person I was, the type of person I wanted to be, and the type of person that I am today.

I was left to put the pieces of myself back together again but I didn’t know how to do so. I felt incredibly lost, and I was in a really dark place for a long time. I disguised my pain with drinking and talking to really anyone that could keep me distracted for the time being. I wanted to fix myself but every time I tried it hopelessly failed and I felt more and more unworthy of love. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be deserving of it ever again. One day, I picked myself up, dusted myself off and started to rebuild my life again. I had good days, I had bad days, and I had really bad days.

But I kept on going because to be completely honest, I really had no other choice.

When I look back reflect on my experiences, I’m convinced that it left a scar that most likely never heal completely. For months, I didn’t even want to look at myself in the mirror every morning. I didn’t even recognize the person I was anymore. I felt like I lost the girl I used to be and it all led to a downward spiral that I couldn’t find an escape from. I wanted to replace the incredible feeling of being wanted. The feeling of being appreciated. I gave myself (physically, mentally, spiritually) to some people who honestly, probably did not deserve it. What I didn’t realize at the time was that every single time I was left feeling more empty than the time before. I gave and gave, until I had nothing else left to give.

The problem is I thought I needed something or someone to fill that void for me. I’m now learning to just let things be. I’m learning to not focus on who I love, but what I love instead. I don’t need anything or anyone to fill that empty void anymore. The entire time the only void that was missing was the love and appreciation for myself.

I finally realized that I could either analyze every shitty decision I made and let it haunt me for the rest of my life, or I could take a negative situation and construct something positive and meaningful out of it. It was that exact moment in which I realized I had grown tremendously as a person.

The mistakes I made were life’s way of showing me the space between the person I am, the person I was, and the person I am becoming. TC mark

Powered by Revcontent

Poetry Lovers! 💖

Love a soft person. The ones who are positive, even in the worst of circumstances. Someone whose strength is not in bravado, but in their quiet. Someone who is strong for others because that is what is needed in that moment. Someone who is the moon that soothes instead of the sun that burns. Someone who sees the very best in people even when you think they aren’t worth it. The kind of person who always wants to do the best for those they love.

“I bought this on a whim to read as I was resting for the night, and I do not regret it one bit! Everything about the poetry in this book is amazing, heart breaking, and soul searching. It will lift your spirits on your darkest days. I want to thank the author so much for writing this, as it’s something I will be rereading a lot! Always remember, everything about you is important. You matter.” —McKayla

Click to heal your heart

More From Thought Catalog

How I Killed Myself Without Actually Dying is cataloged in , , , , , ,