You Need To Know How Much You Hurt Me

galaxies and hurricanes
galaxies and hurricanes

You need to know how much you hurt me. I loved you with everything I have and in every way I know how, and I’m sorry that wasn’t good enough for you. I tried to be everything you wanted and needed but I just can’t anymore. I have put my own happiness on the back burner for too long and lost myself trying to be what you wanted. You were right – in high school, I did need you. You were a beacon of light in my messed up life; you brought me a lot of happiness. But then you went to college and everything changed.

For years now we have gone in this circle. We try to fix things and then things go back to how they were, we stop communicating about it, things fall apart and we end up here.

Neither of us is happy and we are making each other miserable.

My last semester in college, when you chose not to be there, I had to start to become my own person again. I couldn’t keep waiting for you to maybe show up; it was hurting me too much. So I found a support system and group that cared about me and enjoyed spending time with me. The same thing happened when I moved for grad school. You’d say you were going to do things, but then you didn’t follow through. And I realize that sometimes they were inconvenient and maybe you didn’t actually want to do them, but those are the kinds of compromises you make for someone you love. I can’t even begin to count all of the times I did things with you/for you because I knew it would make you happy to have me there.

You say some of those things are expected when dating, but I don’t really believe in doing things out of obligation; you shouldn’t feel obligated to support the person you love, you should want to.

I was so excited for our first trip together, just the two of us, but I ended up feeling like crap while we were there because I honestly felt like you wished you were there with someone else. And I was soooo excited that you were going to move in with me, but the fact that you even had a little hesitancy towards moving in together after 7 years speaks volumes to where we are at in this relationship. Indecision is a decision. Your words and your actions aren’t matching up anymore and I’m tired of making excuses for you. I shouldn’t have ever had to question where I stand in your life, but that’s what has been happening.

You’ve shaped me into the person I am today. You taught me how to be goofy and how to believe in myself and push myself. You taught me patience and a lot about self-respect and self-worth. And you helped me learn that my happiness is important.

I know I’m hard to love.

I’ve got walls and I’m stubborn and I don’t like to feel weak or vulnerable. At one point, you pushed through those walls, but something must have changed because you stopped and then I didn’t want to feel like a burden.

Right now, I can’t trust you with my heart.

It’s too little too late. You should have fought for me. You should have communicated with me when you realized your feelings were changing. I deserve to be loved, to feel loved, and to be happy. We both do. We both deserve to feel special and neither of us feels that right now. I never thought we would get to this point and I have no idea how it happened, but we are here. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry I can’t love you in the way that you want and that I am not the person you want or need me to be.

I don’t know what our future looks like right now. But I know that I’m basically numb at this point. I feel angry and hurt and disappointed and betrayed. I know you tried to take it back, but your message was loud and clear that night. I’m not sure if you’re scared of losing me or losing the idea of me/what I represent/who you wanted me to be. But I just need time to figure this all out and deal with it. I can’t force you to love me, but maybe time will change things. And I need to learn how to love myself if anyone else is going to; it’s not fair for me to rely on you for all of my happiness and love.

I hope someday you realize I loved you more than anything in the entire world and I’m sorry my love wasn’t good enough for you. You broke my heart, but I still love you with all the pieces. TC mark

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