There was a time that I measured my life in baby steps. Today, I would tell myself, today I will shower. Today I will talk to someone other than my phone. I had to force myself to believe that if I could only make it through one more day, the next one would not be as cold, as cruel, as muted. I fought myself each night.
I battled myself each morning. I painted my face rosy and settled into my silence so carefully I knew I was the only one who knew I was silent at all. It was all I could do. Try. A little more. Each day. Time came, as it always does. Conquering the landscape of my life with change. And slowly, each day, my baby steps became more.
Today, I would tell myself, today I will smile. I will bask in the sunlight. I will make a good cup of tea. Time. My savior. Urged me to stop picking open wounds. To pray. To forgive. Him. Others. Myself. To remember the moon. The sky. The light at dawn. Symphonies. Literature. Beauty. To take each day as it came and be wholly present. Live in my moments. Make memories instead of talking to ghosts.
Today, I would tell myself. Today I will rise. And I did.