We’ve all heard that little changes can make a big difference.
We all want the quick fix. We want the “5 tips to get him to fall for you” or “Secret lipstick colors to make him fall head over heels”.
The truth is that the only thing that really makes a difference isn’t nearly as sexy.
Those little changes are most powerful in the way you think about and view yourself.
Picture it being like a house.
You can look at a beautiful house, with its fresh paint, gorgeous new shutters, large wrap around porch and flower pots. It looks so comfortable.
But if that house has rotting wood underneath and a crumbling foundation, then it doesn’t matter how good the house looks – you definitely don’t want to buy that house!
It’s the same with you — how you look, how you dress, and the way you move are all the outside of the house.
And while that might attract men initially, what they really want is the confident woman underneath, the one with the solid foundation who knows her worth and is a joy to be around. What they really want is the gorgeous you that’s inside!
Why is it that so many of us think we’re not worthy of love?
It starts out the same way – you say something you wish you hadn’t, you long for the chance to do things differently, you feel like you missed an amazing person and an amazing chance. Then we do the damage to ourselves – we beat ourselves up over and over again.
We’re devastated that we didn’t handle the situation better, that we didn’t listen to what we knew. Then those voices in our head start up, “Why can’t I ever get this right?” “He’ll never really want to be with me if he saw the real me.” “He’s so much better than me, I need to do better to make him love me.”
Here’s the truth and I want you to hear me on this beautiful:
There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s only the wrong person for you!
You may have a deeply ingrained story about your life and loves that you’ve been re-telling yourself so long that it’s simply a part of your belief system. I created a free video series to help you end dating frustration forever here.
Mine went something like this:
I should’ve married my boyfriend from college. He was perfect. He loved me, he was handsome, and the passion was great. Everyone would’ve thought we were the perfect couple. We would’ve had 2.5 kids, a golden retriever with a white picket fence, and been the envy of the neighborhood. I’ll never feel that kind of love and passion again. I miss that. I f-cked up.
You can imagine this story didn’t serve me to find new love and someone to settle down with.
It kept me stuck in the past, shaming myself and filled with regret. It kept me pining over someone who had moved on. It kept him on a pedestal rather than realizing that we had our problems in the relationship. It kept me from being willing to feel that kind of love again. And possibly worst of all, it kept me comparing every new guy to a shadow that was impossible to live up to.
These stories can also keep us attracting men that aren’t capable of giving us what we’re looking for. It’s what keeps us thinking things like “He’s out of my league and I’m not good enough for a guy like him.”
So when we’re out and about we don’t even notice the ones who would never treat us the way we’re allowing ourselves to be treated. We don’t even give him the opportunity to see us, because we’re operating at that level of belief that we’re only worthy of so much.
It’s a lie. It’s simply a story you’ve been telling yourself for far too long.
It doesn’t ever get you what you really want in the long run – to be loved for who you really are. And yet we’re going about it in all the wrong ways because we’re trying to get our love from someone who can’t give us what we want and need, and we pretzel ourselves, act like “the cool girl”, and contort into someone we think we should be, rather than taking a real chance on the man who’s actually ready.
When it doesn’t work out with the guy who wasn’t ready, it’s not a failure, but simply two different people on two different pages.
Love isn’t for a select few.
It’s not for the thin. The rich. The lucky.
It’s for everyone. For you — especially you.
So what’s the big secret to dating with purpose?
And that’s an inside job.
Here are a few ways to improve your self-worth:
At the end of each day reflect on your day and remember at least one moment you feel good about or proud of. Ask yourself, “What did I make some progress on today?” “What situation did I handle that I feel proud of?”
Next time you beat yourself up for something you wish you could’ve done, or should’ve done – take a pause. Breathe. Imagine your best friend talking to you about this situation. What would she say to you? Start speaking that way to yourself.
Envision the kind of life you really want and set some goals for yourself. Do something to move towards your goals, every single day, no matter how small it might be. Progress equals happiness.