There have been so many different thoughts going through my head for the past week. I wondered what I did to make the person I love more than anything walk away without a second thought. I’ve looked at the pieces and tried to make sense of their brokenness with my friends.
But it doesn’t make sense. Heartbreak rarely does.
So, this is for me. Not for you. This is me telling myself the things I need in order to let go and move on. These are the things I want to tell you but will never get the chance too.
This is me telling you I love you. I love you in the purest of forms. The kind of love that I never knew existed until I met you. It’s also the kind of love that I know will come around again. Before you, I didn’t actually think it existed and now after you I know it does. Even though it didn’t work out, it’s still something I know I want and will find again.
This is me telling you I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry for everything I did that was completely wrong. While you did a lot of things that hurt me, I wasn’t perfect. I became a version of me that I hated. I became a person that I never thought I would ever end up being and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you doubt any piece of yourself. I’m sorry for pushing you. I’m just sorry for the way things went.
This is me telling you I’m so damn angry. So fucking angry. Every lie you told and everything you did that made me feel like I wasn’t someone who was worth something makes the rage inside of me seethe. I want to scream at you and tell you everything about yourself that’s so fucked up. I want you to regret what you’ve done and to feel the pain that I’m feeling.
This is me telling you I’m moving. I have too. I can’t be in my apartment and feel the memories that we made because they are so completely palpable. I can’t be continuously reminded of the nights I spent with you and how happy you made me. I can’t be another heart that you bury in a deep grave and pretend doesn’t exist anymore. I told you if you ever break my heart that you will never see me again. That’s a promise I intend to keep.
This is me telling you that the damage you did wasn’t irreversible. It wasn’t. I know it’s going to be hard to accept for both you and me that eventually you’ll be a distance memory of someone I knew and loved more than anything. I’m going to work on myself, take the lessons I learned from you and move on with someone who can love me the way I love them. You didn’t break me, you just left a little damage.
This is me telling you the things I’m going to miss. I’m going to miss you in the morning when I wake up and have no one to text all day. I’m going to miss the way your voice got soft when you were trying to soothe me. I’m going to miss your humor, smarts and smile. I’m going to miss how you used to make me feel safe and make me feel like I was someone who mattered. Even if all of that was only temporary before you turned into someone else. Someone I don’t even recognize anymore.
This is me telling you I forgive you. I forgive you. Yeah, I stopped eating and sleeping for a bit. Yeah, I have doubted my worth every single day since you left. Yeah, trusting another person with my heart is going to be damn near impossible. But I forgive you because you deserve to be forgiven and I deserve to move on.
This is me walking away knowing that things are going to get better. Slowly but surely it’s getting better. Those endless nights of insomnia have stopped and I’ve managed to dream of something other than your face. I have more time for the things and the people I love. I know that right now I’m trying to walk away from you with what feels like two broken feet and the process is slow but even though it hurts, I make progress every day.
This is me telling you that I’m going to be OK without you. So, don’t look back. Keep moving forward. Find yourself and know that I’m finding me.