I remember what it felt like when you left. I remember my best friend trying to pick up the pieces that were scattered around me. I remember feeling like the wind had been knocked completely out of my chest and it was a struggle to even remember to breathe. I remember the exact moment you left, the reason and why you made the choice you did.
I remember all of that so when you send me an out of the blue ‘how are you’ text, it takes me right back to that moment. The moment I had to learn how to start being OK without you. I had managed to gather up the bits of my life that I had intertwined in you and retaught myself how to go to bed at night alone. So out of the blue texts to see how I’m doing, to ask if I’m OK, to wonder where I am, are punishing. They’re disruptive. They’re exactly the opposite of what you should do.
When you apologize for what happened it doesn’t make anything better.
It makes me remember why you feel the need to apologize in the first place. It reminds me that I didn’t feel enough then and in the months that have passed, I haven’t really found former self yet still. I don’t benefit from your selfish apologies. All you really want is for me to give you the relief of saying ‘it’s OK’ or ‘don’t worry about it’ but this time I won’t give that to you. Because the truth is you hurt me.
What really bothers me is that I get caught up in your conversation every time. Every single time. I want it to go on for days. I don’t want you to stop talking to me. I don’t want to go back to not reading your messages on my phone, even if it is just a painful reminder of the past. I miss the past when it was you and me. I want the times back when I laughed so hard that my cheeks hurt. I want the feeling of wanting to go to sleep with you and wake up in that very same bed. I want the deeply rooted fear of being abandoned again to be gone. I want it to be us again.
So sure, I’ll go out and catch the eye of someone new. And sometimes I’ll ask him to fill the space that you left. But more often than not, it’s just me. It’s just me thinking about what we had and what we lost. And I understand your reasons. I understand why we couldn’t be an ‘us’ anymore. I get it all. What I don’t get is how as soon as I’m starting to let you go, you manage to pop back up. How you manage to completely derail my life all over again.
My heart can’t take the push and pull. It can’t take the touch and go.
It certainly can’t stand the back and forth. It wants you to either go or stay but no in between. No indecision.
Either choose us or don’t choose me at all.
Because I’ll no longer answer the ‘you up’ or the ‘how are you’ texts. Why? It’s not fair to either of us to continue to keep each other as a life line. You were my life support. But now I’ve found a way to breathe without you and that’s a trend I’d like to continue.