You let out a breath of air as you look up at your ceiling. Every time you close your eyes, you see their face. And it’s not irritating. It’s just captivating. So captivating it’s keeping you up at night. But why are they even in your brain? It’s not like you like them. You promised yourself after the last time that no one was going to break down the extremely high walls you’ve built around your heart.
But you can’t get their stupid face out of your mind. So you’re awake. Their face isn’t actually even dumb at all. It’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful that you wonder what it would be like to trace your pointer finger from their forehead down to their perfectly shaped lips. They’re also not only physically beautiful; they’re that truly beautiful that scares you. They’re smart. They’re passionate. They’re funny.
They’re everything interesting that makes you wonder how people like them exist.
And they do exist. They’re not the figment of your imagination that you’ve dreamt of. They’re real life, breathing humans that make you want to dive in again. That makes you forget that for a split second that your ex ever existed.
Then you let your mind start to drift to what they’re doing right now in this very instance; that maybe right now, across town they’re awake thinking of you too. That maybe, just maybe, this time you’re not just dreaming about your future. Maybe they are your future.
Then the negativity sets in. What if they’re not sleeping by themselves right now? Just because there’s a side in your bed that’s empty doesn’t mean that the object of your affection is also alone. That’s what you’re thinking isn’t it? You think that the powerful feeling you felt when your hands brushed was only one sided and that you’re crazy. You’re insane enough to believe that this beautiful person could ever feel the same way about you.
You’re alone for a lot of reasons remember? You wanted that empty side of the bed next to you because it was once filled with all of your hopes and dreams but now, now it was just empty disappointment. Because you did love before. You loved so hard and so deep but it wasn’t enough. Now here you are, awake, thinking about letting yourself be that vulnerable again. You’re thinking about placing your battered and bruised heart into the hands of another person who could just crush you.
You once weren’t afraid of love. You weren’t so crippled by the thought of letting someone new take your hand and lead you down a new path of love but you are now. Because every trip you’ve taken has ended with nothing but heartache and there was no way you were going to let yourself go there again. No matter how beautiful the next person is.
But they are beautiful. And then your mouth twitches for a second before you let yourself smile thinking about the crinkles by their eyes when their face lights up. You let out a small chuckle when you remember how much you laughed at that internet puppy meme together. Your heart stings a bit when you think about how they talked about their own heartache.
It reminds you that no one is exempt from experiencing heartbreak.
It reminds you that even though they’re amazing in every way; what you look like, what you’ve been through and who you are doesn’t determine your ability to be loved.
Your fingers start to burn. You just want to text them and see if they’re still up. If they have that one thing to say to you that will ease your mind and give you hope that your feelings are matched. All you really want to text them is ‘give me love please.’
Lying in your room, looking up at your ceiling, you take a deep breath and let it out. In that moment you make yourself a promise. Love will come and go but if it does go, it wasn’t because you weren’t enough. It was because life has a way of teaching us lessons that we need in order to get where we’re going.
Then your mind drifts back to that beautiful person entrancing your mind, keeping you from sleep and you smile. You smile because this person reminds you of possibilities and that life is full of them. That feeling you feel right now is hope. And that in itself is a beautiful thing.