With you I’m more me. That’s not an easy feat. This is an accomplishment that you should really take to heart. Being myself fully with someone is not something I do. I actually very rarely do it. The real me is quiet, introspective and shy. You bring that out of me. You make me feel safe.
So how do you thank someone who’s allowed you to be real? How do you thank someone who makes you feel like you’re worth something? The answer is you don’t.
They won’t understand their affect and how much they’ve changed your inner workings. They won’t understand that they’re important, so fucking important that ultimately they scare you.
There’s so much weight put on the word love, like it’s the be all and end all but I love people on a regular basis without the expectation that they’re going to be my one. There are soulmates we have who are here just for a while. To teach us lessons we need to learn in order to get to where we’re going.
I think I freak people out when I use the word love because I use it often. Sometimes I feel like I need to say all the words but I’m learning that the best thing I can do for the people I love is just let them be. Sometimes walking away is the right option even though it feels like it’s not. We always think it’s weak to walk away without telling someone our true feelings but in some cases, it’s the only option.
I love hard. I love intensely. I love being able to give love. But my heart is hurting. It’s hurting because even though I want to be vulnerable I can’t. I can’t give someone the words they need or the space they deserve because of my own selfish need to love. I cause pain on a daily basis with my love. But we all do. In some ways love is selfish. It fills our heart with meaning. It gives us a reason to get out of bed.
I want to tell you everything before I go but I know I can’t. The girl who can write about anything can’t even be real with her feelings and say the words. Maybe that’s because the words aren’t right. Everything in my head is jumbled. It’s coming out confusing. My feelings are bubbling over and I just want nothing more than for you to hug me. Because I feel safe when you hug me.
I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that I had to be the one to be strong. I knew ultimately this was going to happen. It’s hard when you have a pattern to not see it when it’s repeating. But this isn’t the same. I’ve never allowed someone to see the parts of me that you have. You came at a time in my life when I needed you most and for that I definitely thank you.
So it comes down to this; I love you enough to walk away. Do I think it’s the kind of love that stops my entire world? No. But you are not someone that’s easy for me to let go of. You’re so much more than what you give yourself credit for and it kills me to know you don’t see it. All I can do now is give you the space and hope that ultimately our paths cross again.