10 Things Having Bulimia Has Taught Me

1. You cannot get angry at people for not noticing.

This was something extremely tough for me to grasp. To get angry at someone just because you’re good at holding back your hair, and timing things right; is absurd. Just because they don’t notice, doesn’t mean they don’t care. It is you who is playing loud music, and running the water. You might find yourself questioning if your parents love you: or if your best friend has actually noticed, and just doesn’t care. They haven’t. They do. If you want help, ask for it.

2: Dehydration sucks…

Like a motherfucker that will knock you on your ass. You’ll be getting a fever, shaking, and shooting your immune system to hell. Do yourself a favor, and drink a few glasses of water.

3. It’s actually true, you can’t just stop

When I first started, I figured I could control it; and at the beginning I could. I decided when what I ate was okay, and when what I ate wasn’t. As time went on my bulimia began controlling me, instead of the other way around. When I started trying to stop, I felt guilty and disgusting. I couldn’t stop. I still can’t. Get out now if you can.

I wish I had.

4. No Relationship is as intimate as one you have with Bulimia.

I wish it wasn’t true. I wish I was lying. I really, really do. But, there is not a friend, family member, or romantic partner that will make you feel like Bulimia does. She will coil herself around your neck, whisper into your ear, and make everything about you. Bulimia may be ugly, but as a mistress she makes you feel like you are the only thing in the universe. In this relationship you are cut off from the world. All you hear are empty promises about your future together.

5. Jokes about Bulimia really, really aren’t funny.

Before, I didn’t find jokes about eating disorders funny. Now, I find them repulsive. It’s not cute to mimic sticking something down your throat when someone mentions bulimia. It’s not funny to say ‘’How can anyone even do that, it’s so gross!’’. If someone says they can’t believe they ate that much, and you tell them to just go throw the food up: I hate you. Literally and passionately. You are not original. You are not enjoyable. You need to stop. You are not improving anything.

6. I won’t find love.

Bulimia taught me that I am worthless: no one can love with while living with this monster in my closest. Bulimia also, simultaneously, taught me that I can’t love myself if I live without it. I’m trapped, and either way I’ve already lost.

7. Bulimia won’t actually help you lose weight

Surprising, right? After I started getting serious stomach pains, I did some research. By the time you throw up, you’ve already digested most of the nutrients, fats and whatever else was in that entire pan of brownies and four hotdogs you ate. I also learned that every time you throw up, you’re hurting your teeth, eroding your esophagus and wearing out some of your chest muscles. It scared me out of my fucking mind.

Still does.

8. It’s never worth it.

The most heartbreaking moment of my life was when I realized just how consumed I was with my bulimia. How impossible it was to stop myself. There is something about it that seems like it will be, in the end, rewarding. It isn’t. The longer it goes on, the more painful it is. All bulimia does is kill you in the slowest way possible, only after it strips every piece of your sanity you have.

9. My body won’t ever forgive me.

My body and I have been at war for as long. We’ve fought dirty, and gone for some cheap moves. This is, by far, the lowest shot I have ever hit for. I’m destroying my body, and myself with it.

10. Self destructive behavior is not beautiful.

Being broken does not make someone love you. There is nothing lovely about hurting yourself from the inside out. It’s bullshit that things like Bulimia are being romanticized these days. Bulimia is not pretty, it is not handsome. It will not bring you joy. It is like a blinding monster, obstructing the sky and spouting a blaze of fire. Bulimia won’t bring anything positive, I swear. All you stand to gain from Bulimia is red knees, watery eyes, and one hell of a sore throat.