Let’s be brutally honest. Life isn’t out to get you; you are where you are because of the choices you make every day. Things happen that are completely out of your control, but if there is a chronically recurring problem in your life, then it’s time to seriously reevaluate who you are. There’s a reason why you’re single and as much as I hate to admit it, your relationship status is mostly within your control. At the very least, there is a whole lot you can do to dramatically increase your chances of meeting someone.

This isn’t some guide that will save you from the single life; I wish that guide existed because I could totally use it. However, in some ways, this is better, it’s a list of reasons that will help you delve deep into your inner psyche to provide perspectives to why you’re single that you may have never considered.

1. You don’t go out much

I am so sorry to my fellow introverts for dropping this bomb, but if you want to better your chances of escaping the single life, you’re going to have to go out and meet a bunch of people. Finding a relationship is a lot like finding a job in this aspect because you have to go out, build a network, plant seeds, and follow up. Sadly, potential partners aren’t going to magically materialize in front of you as you’re sitting in your room reading or watching TV. Again, it pains me to say this as I am an introvert as well, but you’re going to have to go out and meet a lot of new people.

2. You haven’t moved on from your ex

You may swear that you did but remember, now is the time to be brutally honest with yourself. Have you been trying to contact them? Are you stalking them on social media? Are you still holding on to the gifts they gave you in hopes that one day they’ll come back? Believe it or not, it’s obvious when you’re not over your ex, especially to the people you’ve gone on dates with or tried to get dates with. It is subconsciously revealed through your speech, actions, and body language. If this is the situation you’re in, then you’re probably better off taking a step back and staying single for your own sake.You need time to heal. Someone left you broken and you need to mend yourself and reclaim your independence. There’s nothing wrong with taking time to find yourself, it may even be one of the greatest learning experiences of your life. Later when you truly feel like you’re ready to get back out there, you’ll find yourself cuffed in no time!

3. You’re nitpicky

This may be the culprit if you’re constantly being told: “you’re too picky”. But what does it really mean? Isn’t it good to be picky? After all, we’re choosing someone that we’re going commit to and spend most of our time with.However, there’s a fine line between being selective and being nitpicky. Selective people judge potential partners based on their levels of compatibility and chemistry with them. Nitpicky people, on the other hand, try to fulfill unrealistic expectations. For example, they might eliminate a potential partner because they don’t like their accent or the way they walk. If you’re a nitpicky person, then you need a reality check. There’s no such thing as a perfect person, everyone is going to have quirks that may seem strange to you.Don’t worry about the little things; they’re absolutely meaningless because they have no effect on someone’s ability to be a good partner. Eliminate potential candidates because you don’t click with them, don’t worry about the trivial aspects of their being. Be selective, don’t be nitpicky.

4. Your self-esteem is too high

You regard yourself way too highly to the point that you don’t think anyone is good enough to be with you. I’m pretty sure no one will admit to this and a lot of people may even carry this trait without realizing it. So here are some questions you can ask yourself to find out if this is the issue, and remember, we’re being brutally honest with ourselves. Do you think your purpose in life is above other peoples? Are you convinced that your path in life is absolutely the correct path? Do you quickly assume that others are not doing as well as you are in life? If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, then maybe you’re single because you have an inflated sense of self. You’re way too judgemental and you write people off so quickly that your demographic of potential partners makes it statistically unlikely for you to find a relationship.

5. Your self-esteem is too low

You regard yourself so poorly that you assume there must be something wrong with anyone that takes a romantic interest in you. A common trait between people with low self-esteem is that they overthink immensely. For example, if someone asks them out on a date, they’ll wonder a million things such as, “why would they want to date me?” “What do they want from me?” “Is this a prank?” Moreover, people with low self-esteem are the polar opposites of people with an inflated self-esteem because the former is quick to find fault with themselves while the latter is quick to find fault with others.Unfortunately, your low self-esteem may be pushing away good potential relationship candidates. There isn’t a quick fix for this because building confidence is a long and bumpy road. Nevertheless, always remind yourself that everyone deserves to be loved.

6. You’re too mysterious (you don’t embrace vulnerability)

Having an air of mystery about you is an attractive trait but only to an extent.This isn’t middle school anymore; nobody is attracted to the person that shares nothing about themselves. If you want to connect with people on a deeper level, you’re going to have to make yourself vulnerable and reveal uncomfortable aspects of your identity and life that make you who you are. InMark Manson’s book “models”, he writes, “You cannot be an attractive and life-changing presence without being a joke or an embarrassment to others.You simply can’t. You have to be controversial.” Therefore, exhibiting vulnerability is necessary for finding someone who will explicitly choose to be with you and only you.

7. You’re too independent

A relationship consists of two people. If you think you’re going to get into a relationship without sacrificing any aspect of yourself, you’re badly mistaken. Whether it’s your time, routine, diet, or etc., you must be able to show some level of flexibility if you want potential partners to believe that they can coexist with you. If you’re completely set on just doing your own thing, then maybe deep down, a relationship isn’t exactly what you’re looking for.

Permanent solutions are created when we look deep within to discover who we are and what we really want. When it comes to relationships, we don’t want quick fixes, we want to alter our roots so we can always understand and feel comfortable about ourselves. Let’s not sit around and be upset, let’s grab life by the horns and set ourselves up for the best chances at happiness!