I Am Slowly Walking Away From Our Almost Relationship

I am slowly realizing that I deserve better than the way you treated me.

That action speaks louder than words. If you wanted to be with me, you would have been ready since the beginning. If I had meant any importance to you, you would have grabbed every opportunity to show me. If you liked me, you wouldn’t be stringing me along for months.

I know that you’re a decent person and it is never in your intention to hurt me but you hurt me all the same. You leave me in a whirl of confusion and a mess of emotions each time I see you. You talk to me all the time about anything under the sun except the things that really matter. We spent so much together but it seems that I barely know you under your charming and winning persona that you carefully crafted.

You text me every day but you don’t make any actual plan to meet me. You give me attention only when we’re both alone and ignore me when we’re in a group. You don’t love me yet act as though you do.

I am slowly learning what I want in a relationship and I should never have to settle in love.

I thought I could do casual and I was determined to play your game. So when you pressed a chaste kiss on my forehead, I bit my lips instead of asking you, why. When you took too long to text back, I controlled my impulse to double text. When I saw you getting a little too friendly with my friend, I laughed along to hide the hurt and confusion beneath my fragile composure. When you told me you liked me and ignored me the next day, I was shattered yet I didn’t say anything.

And I knew that wasn’t the way. That wasn’t me.

I’m not okay to dance with you in the gray area watching the flames of our attraction sizzles past the friend boundaries. I refuse to play games when it seems that the first one who falls for the other loses because I know I’m on the edge of falling dangerously in love with you. I don’t want to waste my precious time and effort on someone who only sees me as an option and nothing beyond that.

I am slowly walking away from you so that I can finally find the love that I know I deserve.

Sometimes I think I would prefer you to destroy any inkling of hope that I have of us than leave me hanging by a thin thread in agonized pain. I would prefer you to break things off cleanly than your indecisive behavior that affects me more than you know. I would prefer us to remain strictly friends so that this may actually lead to something real in the future when we’re both ready.

But you’re not the bigger person I thought you were. You’re selfish and it’s time for me to put myself first. I will gather the remaining of my strength and I’m determined to walk away this time.

After what happened, it’s going to be difficult to keep my distance from you. We’re still seeing each other on a regular basis due to our other commitment and being in the same friend group. You still act as if nothing happen but I can’t pretend as well as you do. We had a connection and it was memorable and special to me. When I looked at you, it was all I could do to stop myself from asking you, why.

But for my own sake, I will guard my heart, harden my resolve, and slowly, I will walk away from you.