1. TAURUS

Good Lord, girl, you were born with a superiority complex that reaches up into the clouds—your opinion of yourself is so high, it’s a wonder you’re able to breathe! The reason you’re called the bull is because you’re always ready to bully others into submission. You build yourself up by tearing others down. You can’t empathize. It’s like talking to a brick wall. It would never occur to you that you’re supposed to return everyone’s kindness with kind acts of your own. You’re about a half-inch deep. Very shallow and superficial. In your mind, the only possible thing greater than you would be two of you.

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2. LEO

Your favorite thing in the world is a mirror. You’re so full of yourself, you’re practically bursting at the seams. And the minute someone else is no longer useful to you, you spit them out like a watermelon seed. You never stop badmouthing your exes while you’re working your deadly charms on a new victim. You love-bomb your prey and then freeze up the minute you’ve captured them. Once you have their attention, you no longer desire it. Your pleasure trumps everyone else’s feelings every time. BAD girl!

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3. CAPRICORN

Not only do you seek to rule the world, you think you deserve to do so. To you, the only outrage is that the world hasn’t already surrendered to your superior wisdom and charm. If people only realized how great you are, you wouldn’t have to be so narcissistic. To compensate for their cruel lack of recognition, you spend your life climbing from one superficiality to the next. If you feel you’ve been wronged or even a little bit underappreciated, you bleed resentment from every pore and carefully plot revenge against whoever was foolish enough to bruise your ego. There’s a reason your tarot card is the Devil.

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4. SCORPIO

You think quite highly of yourself, don’tcha? You’re glad to step on whoever is foolish enough to block your path. If it lights your fire, you don’t care who gets burned. And when someone crosses you, they will learn to regret it. That’s when you arch your back and start waving your stinger around. I’d tell you there’s no reason to act so intense, but that’d be like trying to teach a scorpion to act like a kitten.

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5. AQUARIUS

You don’t think you’re selfish—you call it “being assertive,” and you don’t care how much of a pain in the ass you are when you’re “asserting” yourself. But you’re not as “independent” as you think, since you depend so heavily on the praise and admiration of others. Protip—learn the difference between assertiveness and bitchiness. Quit letting it all hang out and start tucking it back in—please! The only upside is that sometimes you can be generous, but only to ease your guilty conscience for being such a self-centered bitch.

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6. VIRGO

Your ego is as inflated as one of those giant balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The problem isn’t that you think too highly of yourself—OK, well, yes it is, a little bit. You’re so uptight, I would swear you walk around with your thumb stuck up your ass half the time. You’re worried that everyone’s always talking about you—why would they have to? You’re doing it all the time yourself! You need to learn to laugh at yourself, because everyone else is already laughing at you—and I mean that with love, I swear! Lighten up! We all have flaws!

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7. ARIES

You can be rude, stubborn, inconsiderate, and even a little ruthless, but I’m not sure that makes you a narcissist. You need to show compassion and be willing to help others to prove you’re not totally stuck on yourself. Sometimes you’re sweet and generous—I’ll give you that much. By the way, I’ve had a bad week—can you loan me $40?

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8. SAGITTARIUS

You’re the center of your own little universe, which is why you don’t really need to be the center of attention or the life of the party. Mostly, negative comments roll right off your back. You only get hurt—and then vengeful—if the insults come from someone you admire. Your ego isn’t so fragile that you’d be upset if someone you don’t like winds up disliking you, too. You’re wise enough to realized that humility looks better than pride, so you’re proud enough to pretend to be humble—because that’s the way you get what you want, you sneaky little narcissist.

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9. CANCER

You are one needy little squirrel. Codependent and submissive by nature, you’re a bit too clingy to be a narcissist. You’re not nearly self-confident or arrogant enough to be classified as a narcissist. You’d rather hook up with a narcissist than to be one. And yes, for better or worse, you’re able to be kind and compassionate—sometimes to a fault. You might be better off being a little more narcissistic. Or at least try being self-centered every once in a while? It might do you some good!

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10. GEMINI

You don’t seek to manipulate people so much as you seek to avoid them.
And it isn’t that you’re not a narcissist, it’s that you’re unintelligent at being one. If you were actually a self-centered narcissist, you’d make better decisions in life. This is why you’re so low on this list—it’s not that you aren’t self-centered, it’s that you don’t know how to get what you want. True narcissists aren’t this self-destructive.

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11. LIBRA

You nave no need for an inflated ego, but then again you have no reason to have one, either. You don’t think you’re that great, and everyone else generally agrees with you. It’s not even that you’re humble so much as you are negative. Sometimes you even underestimate yourself. Actually, it wouldn’t hurt for you to think a little bit more highly of yourself.

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12. PISCES

You are too considerate and conscientious and selfless and giving to be a narcissist. You are a follower, not a leader. The one who gives compliments rather than seeks them. The giver, not the taker. At times, you seem to only exist to make all the world’s narcissists feel better about themselves. You are more likely to get stomped on than to do the stomping, you poor little delicate flower. I think it’s time for the humble little fish to morph into a great white shark.